every second ~

Over the last 5 months, I got to know someone whom I really wanted to know a long time ago. It must have been at least a year I've been quietly taking peeks, trying to work the math on how to approach her, scratching my head figuring out how to make first contact. Most important of all - first contact. Mind boggling it was!

It all started with a couple of book receipts and I found myself having little nudges in my heart. Couldn't really explain what the feeling was, neither was I capable of understanding how it all transpired. It simply wasn't a feeling I'd get everyday. It felt all too foreign to me. When I found myself wanting to know her, I knew the little nudges in my heart meant something.

Strangely, it has been an up and down, somewhat roller coaster ride in the whole process of trying to get to know her. It has made me understand better about the complexity of the human emotion and it always takes two hands to clap.

Above and beyond that, I learned something more important. Every little second of the moments I have had chances to be with her are little treasures for me to keep safe and warm in the treasure chest in my heart and memories. It doesn't really matter if I have had a minute or hours to be with her even if it's from a distance, it still is a precious moment to me.

If I could slow time down to enjoy a second a little longer, I would. It didn't matter even if it was time spent staring at her or simply having dinner with her or an evening with her and friends. It's something I would really hold on to dearly.

Not everything is certain in what we do and sometimes not everything turns out as expected because that's how God designed our lives to be and that is the added colour to our lives. But at the end of the day, I'd still gain something - lifetime moments of which I can think back and still make me smile.............. every second that meant to me.

the moment

For four years, the Fender electric guitar Reily used to play with his band that nearly broke through to mainstream has been left in the corner of his room. Reily simply couldn't play the guitar the way he used to anymore.

Every time he held the guitar, his fingers would freeze up and simply couldn't move and the notes in the depths of his memories would never flow on to his fingers despite all certainty he knew he had the music in him.

Four years ago, Reily lost his family in a car accident involving their family car and a trailer. The accident happened when Reily had to play for a gig with his band. Reily has always been blaming himself for the lost of his family.

Four years ago, he had an argument with his father who insisted he should skip the gig to join his family trip. Soon after the argument, he stomped right out of the house and left for the gig. His family went on ahead with the trip and met their unfortunate fate. Reily holds himself at fault for causing their death. Had it not been the argument, his father would have been in a better state to drive. From that day on, Reily lost all musical sense and could no longer play the guitar. His fingers too heavy with guilt.

He never listened to any recordings of his band from that day onwards. Reily didn't think he was ever going to do music again in his lifetime.

Not until one day when he met this girl. A girl who simply needed a place to stay when the orphanage she lived in was closed down after sponsors pulled out due to the financial crises.

It all started when Reily found her sleeping by his apartment door one morning. Not knowing what else to do, he found himself taking her in and in return she was to help with the housework. She was Venna, at least that's the name she remembered being called when she was still living in the orphanage.

While cleaning the Reily's apartment one afternoon, she noticed the guitar and couldn't help but ask Reily to play a tune or two. She noticed a change in his demeanor as he declined to play the guitar.

She didn't understood why he refused to play the guitar. Not until one day she stumbled upon an old CD recording of Reily's band and saw Reily's picture in the CD booklet. Venna played the CD and immediately couldn't help but notice Reily's incredible talent for the guitar. It was at that moment, Venna realized that there was something hindering Reily's ability to play the guitar and she wanted to do something for him in return for taking her in. She wanted Reily to get back into music and to get out from his sad state of working part time job in a fast food restaurant.

As the months went by, Venna diligently practiced singing the song she heard from the CD with the hope of singing it to Reily. At the same time, Reily and Venna drew closer and closer to each other.

One evening, while taking a stroll down the beach nearby the apartment, Reily and Venna simply held hands as they strolled the quiet beach with Venna's head on Reily's shoulder. It was an impulse reaction and it somehow just felt right between the both of them.

That moment at the beach was the moment Venna knew what to do - she sang the song she heard in the CD. Reily was surprised she knew the song and didn't say anything. He simply felt the warmth in his heart and he could feel the emotions Venna had in her singing. At that moment, Reily could feel the music in him coming out and breaking free from the emotional prison he had built inside him. It became the moment he decided he was going to go back into music.

People come, people go in our lives. We live through a myriad of experiences - some sad, some happy. But all it needs at times is for one special moment in life to open a box of sparkle in each and everyone of us......... that is "the moment".

~small opportunity~

“Day by day, I watched the sun rise in the morning and set in the evening not knowing what I could do to improve my situation. It feels like I am waiting for time to pass me by and waiting for the grim reaper to take me back to my maker”, said the old man who was gazing at the plants and flower he whole heartedly planted in his garden.

The old man was talking to a once famous professional poker player who had everything a man could want – fame, money, women, recognition, etc. Now he is but a part-time worker who makes end meet in a plants nursery. For an ex-gambler, Mike sure knew a lot about plants. Apparently, it made him feel peaceful in the inside every time he was working the garden and caring for the plants. He felt it could help him forget the painful past of losing everything he had.

What about the old man?

The old man is the owner of a large casino chain.

"Why don't you join me? I am planning to open up a new casino and I would like someone to head it. You have the experience and I am sure we can rub the rust of your poker skills once you get your groove back. What do you think?"

"Who? Me? I couldn't possibly head a casino. I gave up gambling after I lost everything years ago. After losing everything in the '97 world poker competition in the Philippines, I came back only to find my parents had passed away and my little brother was kidnapped. Now, I am just a happy part time gardener in a nursery. That's all there is to it. I don't have much, but I am happy.........."

"My friend. You are still young. Not that young but no way older than me. You lost it all last time but you still have your pair of hands, legs and your brains. Let me give you a tip. Wealth is not measured based on the net worth of your assets, wealth is what you have in your head and your member between your thighs."

Mike burst out laughing hearing the old man's anecdote but he knew what he said was true.

The old man continued, "I know a whole bunch of people who think they know it all, seen it all, done it all. But I can tell you they don't know jack for one simple reason - there's no one in this world who has done it all, seen it all and know it all. Only one person can have that attributes - it ain't me, it ain't you and it sure ain't any other person. It's God. Because you and I can never have it all, why not seize the opportunity to turn your life around. You are happy in a nursery don't mean you can't be happy in a casino, right?"

Mike nodded.

"Let's just say we forget I mentioned about heading the casino bit. Small, tiny opportunities can present itself in the weirdest of places and situations. Sometimes the small opportunities could have big results and the only way to find out is to seize the opportunity. Even if nothing big comes out of it, you'll still learn something in the end. But I shall qualify myself by saying some experiences can be painful. Not all, but some. Imagine you have fallen head over heels for a girl, I bet your arse you are going to go all out going after her. Small opportunity right? But if she falls in love with you, big result right? And you wouldn't know if she falls for you unless you confess your feelings to her and show her that you have feeling for her right?"

Mike nodded.

"So give it a thought........ I don't need an answer right away. Alright?"

Mike nodded.

That's the scene I saw in a show my mom was watching. Whether Mike took the opportunity, I'll leave it to your imagination. :)

rock climbing and what I learnt

About 5 weeks ago, I decided to do something I never thought I would do. In fact, it was something I decided upon without even thinking. I was asked to go rock climbing. The normal me would have gave it long thought and replied, "no". But at that point in time I decided I wanted to do something different and I decided to say, "Oh, what the hell. I am going to do it!"

I surprised myself that evening. Seriously, I really did surprise myself!

Effectively, yesterday was my fourth time doing rock climbing. I am really enjoying it. The physical challenge is one thing. But I learn other things too when I climb. On the very second time of climbing, I lost a lunch bet because I couldn't complete a route. At that point in time, in my mind I thought of rock climbing of a pure physical sport (i.e. no-brainer). I was really wrong. Dead wrong! Much technique is involved in it and it requires thinking in terms of where to place your feet and hands and to have the most efficient way up the rocks. Cool eh?

Above and beyond that, I learn about life too! Ascending the rocks really requires a lot of feeling of the rocks. Really touching the wall with my hands and toes to feel, really feel which part of the rocks I can grab on to and place my feet to push myself higher. It's like life - you have to feel your way around life. You can't just jump in head first. I mean you can but jumping in head first may just have you land your head on a hard piece of concrete. What I am trying to get at is that, even in life everything takes time and you can't really rush things be it buying a new car, new house, getting into a relationship, picking a career, getting well from an illness. Looking at all the common scenarios of life I just listed out and you'll notice one common denominator - all of it simply takes time.

What it also taught me was about determination. I think determination is something I lack or rather the fear of taking a step forward in times of uncertainty. Yesterday while I was climbing the rocks, there were many times I had to place my body in a very awkward position to scale the rock walls. It is just like being out of my comfort zone. Sometimes you have to be uncomfortable to achieve something. "If it's something you fear, that's exactly what you have to do. Face it!" is something a really close friend of mind would tell me and still does continue to remind from time to time.

Another thing I experienced was sometimes you might not make it to the top of the rock, what we call an anchor in rock climbing terms. But there's always next time. Yesterday, I completed a route I failed to scale the last time round. I was satisfied with myself and I knew I had some improvement, even if it's a tiny bit.

Most important point I learnt is trust. In rock climbing your life really rests in the hands of your belayer. Belayer is the person down on the ground tightening and loosening your harness as and when necessary. If the belayer slacks too much harness rope and you fall, you are as good as dead. Yesterday, I had a relative new belayer doing my ropes but I knew she would be fine with the ropes. Most importantly, I had to trust her otherwise my fear of scaling the rocks would overcome me. Besides watching my ropes as I scaled the rocks, we had to communicate verbally especially during the times when I knew I was going slip off the rocks I had to make sure I yelled, "tight!" so she would pull the ropes to stop me from falling too far down. That trust creates a strong team effort in making sure I get up to the top safely. And that team effort is built on trust. My belayer trusted me letting her know how slacked or how tight I need the rope to be and in turn I trusted to be able to give me the slack and tight I needed.

It was a really good experience from a physical, mental and philosophical perspective......... actually my backside still hurts from all the stretching and pushing to the top. =0)

at the hospital~

Four days in the hospital was an interesting observational experience. You see all sorts of people in the hospital. All that observation came from walking the corridors of the hospital, sitting in the quiet corner of Starbucks while waiting for my latte-to-go to be ready, walking to the hospital's convenient store to get the daily newspaper. The auditory and visual senses of one's body are truly amazing when it comes to seeing and hearing what goes around you.

For some personal reasons, I had to be at the hospital everyday since last Thursday. While I was there, I really think it was an eye opening experience.

For instance, I met a Buddhist monk who goes there on a daily basis with a laptop and pays for an ice blended mocha with a credit card, while offering prayers to those who requests for prayers. I also got acquainted with two very friendly and good-serving Starbucks baristas named Daniel and Roshan. I also got to experience the advancement of medical technology that now cater for the differing demands of the patients' medical conditions. Up till last Thursday, I only knew of the intensive care unit, commonly know as the ICU. But now, there is even a CCU, coronary care unit and a HDU, high dependency unit. Maybe these are normal units for those in the know. I for one had no bleeding idea such units ever existed in the first place. Above all else, I was really impressed by how far technology has taken the medical fraternity.

Most importantly about the hospital, I must take off my hat to the nurses who work there. They are a group of amazing people who work really hard to take care of the patients there. Being a nurse is no easy job. I see them working in a high tension environment especially during operations. In the wards, they see to the needs of patients making sure they are fine. In addition, I think it takes a lot of patience in the line of duty. It's not easy having to take care of patients who are, for example immobile. One of the afternoons when I was passing one of the wards, I smelled a really strong stench of discreet. Apparently a patient in one of the wards had to pass motion in a diaper, and I saw the nurse going in to clean him up. I could have sworn if I stayed a minute longer, I'd probably pass out from the strong stench and yet the nurse withstood the smell and did what was necessary. Truly respectable dedication!

When we think hospital, we usually think about doctors. Unknown to many, nurses play a pivotal part in making sure patients are taken care of. No doubt doctors diagnose and treat the sick but it is the nurses who ensure the patients are in stable condition and that the patients get their medication on time and with the correct dosages. After all, when a patient presses the little "bell" button by the bed side, it is the nurses who attend to the patient first.

I personally think the hospital is a place where the medical brains reside along with the nurses who show empathy and dedication, and in rare instances you may find an ice blended drinking, laptop carrying monk who offers prayers to those who need it.... :)

how far would you go?

They say, "love knows no boundaries". I tend to agree with that statement I've seen parents go through hell to making sure their children gets the best, sometimes even if it means they have to tie their stomachs so their kids can get more. I've also witness siblings looking out for each other, be it in fights or even sports. I've also seen married couples sharing a single meal in times of financial difficulties.

The incomprehensible emotion called love is indeed a feeling that is like a burst of adrenalin when your body needs a sudden burst of energy to escape danger. Love can drive us to go the distance for that someone dear to us. I don't think you or I can explain how it gives us the drive to go that far. Above and beyond this, love is sometimes like a double edge sword that can lift us up to cloud nine but at the same time, it has the innate ability to leave a scar in the heart of unwary people. Yet, there are those who are willing to take the hurt because of love, simply because they think it's worth it.

How far would you go?

With all honesty, I am not yet able to answer this question. It's a truly difficult question for me. years ago when I tried going the distance, it left me in shambles. In fact, it became years of picking up the pieces. In the process, I learnt it is always easy to remember than to forget, especially the self-doubting events in one's lifetime. Like a broken recorder, it keeps replaying itself - going on and on and on and on. The harder you try to forget it, the more it keeps repeating itself.

It's no easy feat to be selfless and going out there to take the heat for someone you love. But if I knew I could do something, even if it's one thing, one time in my life to make a difference in the life of someone I loved, I'd probably do it without thinking twice. That's what God would probably want us to do.

It is easy to like someone or to be attracted to someone but to love someone, that's a whole new level altogether. It's not just about love-at-first-sight and neither is it just about appearance. It goes far deeper than that. It's about being able to accept the good, the bad and the ugly about a person. Everyone is different, yet everyone is similar in that we all have our good and bad points. Love has this amazing power to bridge that gap and simply turn everything good.

How far would you go?

Like the Bee Gees's song, how deep is your love?

perfect couple

I was taking a walk to my optician in a shopping mall when I came across an unusual sight. There was this couple who were walking out of the lift, the girl was on a wheel chair and the guy on a pair of crutches. Minus the fact that they were less capable physically clearly didn't stop them from being happy.

They were talking to each other very cheerfully and I could see they were in love with each other. You'd know two persons are in love with each other when the two of them can look into each others' eyes with a touch of gentleness and softness only people in love would know. I might be making an assumption here considering I haven't had extensive experience in the topic of love but I do know parents can give their kids such gentle gazes even at times when a parent is upset with a child (I know since I used to get it a lot from my mom.................. and dad).

We all like to dream of having a perfect companion. I mean who wouldn't? You would too right?

It can be quite funny at times when some of my friends can give me vivid descriptions of how they want their 'perfect' girl to be. Although, I tend to hold the opinion that the harder you wish for it, the harder it is for you to find your 'perfect' match (a.k.a. Murphy's Law).

But does it really matter? I mean in terms of having the opposite sex meet one's wish list.

Falling for someone can be as easy as love-at-first-sight for some people. For others, it could involve a lot of communication to understand each other before making the lunge into the vault of emotions. There are a plethora of permutations of which I won't dive into simply because I am not a psychologist and I couldn't possibly map out all the permutations.

But one thing's for sure - falling in love does not require a reason or justification, all it requires is for two people to be able to look into each other eyes at anytime, anywhere and say with all truthfulness and sincerity, "I love you........."

Love knows no boundaries, love couldn't care less if she's shorter than me, love couldn't care less if she's not as pretty as the girl next door, love couldn't care less if she wasn't born rich, love couldn't care less if she isn't smart, love couldn't care less if she paralysed waist-down.

Love only requires time, patience, tolerance, honesty and most importantly, sincerity................ The short moment I saw the couple in the shopping mall, I could tell they loved each other and made a perfect couple despite their physical imperfections. I truly wish them a happy future........

a new experience ~

Yesterday and today was a new experience for me. One time in my life and decided to be spontaneous about something. I decided to go rock climbing without even thinking about it. My friend asked me on a Friday evening and I said yes without even thinking.

The end result was 2 crazy days of physical exertion. I now find myself with muscular aches that remind me of my 5-day week squash training when I was still playing squash seriously. Just to show you the gravity of the situation, my fingers can barely work this keyboard, click on the touch pad, the muscles of my backside hurt, my knees are still burning and my thighs are sore.

But if there was one thing I learnt today it would be never to underestimate a pile of rocks! I went to the rock climbing venue beaming with confidence knowing I could finish the rock climbing course. I knew I had to finish the course since I had bet with my friend. Lunch was on the line!

After all the huffing and puffing, I couldn't complete the course and hence, officially lost the bet. I now owe my friend lunch. I sure lost the bet but I sure feel happy. Happy because I feel refreshed.

I've got cuts and bruises all over but I feel good. Pain tells me that I am alive.

About underestimating a pile of rocks, I think that applies to people as well. All too often we sometimes underestimate the people around us. I am guilty of that in many ways. There was this time when I once had a cello student who was to a very large extent tone deaf and within the sixth cello lesson I straight away drew a conclusion in my mind that she was never going to be able to learn the cello.

But she never gave up hope that someday she could play the cello. She continued to practise and I was somewhat losing hope in her ability to pick up the cello. One month down the road, she was suddenly able to pick up notes albeit inaccurately. But most importantly, I could tell that she was no longer tone deaf. Even if she couldn't sing out the notes correctly, she could pick up what notes they were by listening intently. I was very happy for her and at the same time ashamed of myself. Ashamed of myself for underestimating her. I asked her how she managed to do it and she told me she spent a lot of hours listening to music and reading the music score along as she listened so she could pick out the notes.

All this while, music was already within her and she simply needed someone to help her bring it out. That was supposed to be my task until I decided to close her out when I underestimated her and drew a conclusion to say that she was not going to be able to learn the cello.

Sometimes something as rigid as a rock can be something special just like how I underestimated rock climbing. Views can differ from one person to another. Never underestimate anything or anyone because there just could be something hidden that you may miss out. Just like how I nearly closed myself to my student and nearly killed her interest for the cello, she showed me I shouldn't discount her and that even she could do the cello as long as she put in more effort into it.......

The fat guy who turned up for squash~

Where I work, we have a squash team that plays regularly every Mondays and Thursdays. About 6 to 7 of us who simply want to have a good workout and sometimes, have a really competitive match to see how far we have improved in our game. Sometimes, we even discuss among ourselves to point out areas of improvement in our game. It's a nice stress relieving session I must say.

This Monday was different. There's was a new guy who joined the firm not long ago and decided he wanted to join our squash session. Welcoming him to the squash session was naturally what I had to do. Where I work, squash players are a rarity. But this new guy who joined us is different from any new guy at squash. He was different because he was fat. He was really fat like having a 45 inch waist line or probably more.

It all started when I found this new guy in my company's monthly bulletin of new staff. Every time there is a batch of new joiners, a bulletin will be sent out to all staff to offer a brief description of each of the new joiners. I was scrolling down the latest batch of new joiners and I noticed one description that said, "squash captain", which really piqued my curiosity. I had to find out who this new guy was because I didn't catch wind of any really good squash player joining us. I would have known if there was one coming in. Honestly, I was a little doubtful about it.

I was really looking forward to the idea of having a strong squash team with this new "squash captain" that has joined us. So, I popped him a mail to tell him to come see me, sort of to break the ice and get to know him better. A couple of hours after lunch, this guy shows up at my cubicle to meet me. I was surprised! Very, very, very surprised to be honest. I was expecting to see a well built bloke who'd fit the description of "squash captain". Instead, I found myself staring at this really fat bloke who introduced himself to be this "squash captain".

I promptly introduced myself and the squash team along with our playing sessions. I excused myself after the prompt introduction. I couldn't help but burst out laughing in private because I was surprised to see this fat bloke and simply because I was expecting someone a lot different as compared to what I saw.

I admit that I shouldn't laugh at someone else's physical attributes and offer my apologies for having laughed at him, albeit in private. But, but he did turn up for our squash session and he put effort in his game. Given his size, he is definitely at a disadvantage but he still showed up. Most fat people shy away from sports because they feel they can't offer a good game or be competitive in their game. I don't know how he felt about joining us for squash but I think he was probably worried about how our reaction was going to be. But the fact that he showed up to me, was commendable and I respect him for that.

I will be frank in saying this - he's slow in the court, not technically sound and unfit from a cardiovascular standpoint. But frankly, I don't really care because that was expected. Have any o of you seen a fit and fat guy before? Not likely, right? But he made it a point to show up and to have a good workout. I have to give him credit for that. He was honest enough to say that he probably wouldn't be able to give me a good game but he was determined to lose weight by having a good workout from squash. I was glad he said that because deep down I now know I should reciprocate he's will to lose weight.

Being fat can be embarrassing. I can attest to that because I was fat when I was in primary school right up to mid-secondary school. So much so that my family nickname became "Fats". That nickname still sticks till today despite having lost weight and toned up. Fat people sometimes have peers make them the focal point for a joke because of being fat. It's sad because it can be hurting even though it may be a friendly joke. After all, these people never chose to be fat. I can't think of anyone crazy enough who'd want to be fat!

Therefore, if a fat guy can turn up for squash and tell me he wants to lose weight, I believe I should oblige in helping reach his goal to lose weight and to reciprocate his determination to shape up and move from fat to fit.

you've got only each other.......

Growing up with siblings has its commonalities. The quarrels, the fights, the fair share of parental advice, the pep talks, even sharing the sting of the most revered family bamboo cane (mom ain't nothing once you have felt the sting of the cane) :P

There's not a single family that I know of, who has told me they have never had sibling squabbles. Not any that I know of at least. I'd be utterly surprised if someone told me he or she has siblings and never had a single squabble throughout their growing up.

I have one older brother and I sure do remember the fights we went through when we were younger. I laugh whenever I think back about it. Fighting and arguing over the tiniest of matter. But we were kids then, what do you expect? It reached a point my dad got us each a pair of boxing gloves to go fight it out. Every Sunday, he'd lay four bricks in each corner of the compound of our home for the 'boxing ring' and he'd be the referee. As far as he was concerned, nothing below the belt and nothing above the neck. We had a whacking fun time!

Over and above all that, every time my brother and I had an argument, we'd both get the cane or scolding. My mom or dad would never ask who started it and they didn't want to know. There was no favouritism. One thing they never failed to say was, "look, it's just the two of you in this family. We both love you guys and why are you guys fighting amongst yourselves? What good does it do? Family stay together and hang on to each other for support. When the world is crumbling around you and no one cares about you, your family is all you have. Mom and dad can't be here for you forever. Someday we'll leave this world and you two have each other only so don't go on fighting. You guys should be like best friends! Alright?"

At that young age, the last thing on my mind was my brother being my best friend. Fighting over anything, even food! Who would have thought someone like that would make a best friend? I sure didn't.

But right here, right now, I'd say my parents was right. Today, my brother lives in Australia, working there and happy with a decent girlfriend. I am truly happy for him. As much as he is far away from where I am, I do miss the bloke and every now and then we text each other. There are things that I tell him of which I don't even tell my parents. I have shared experiences with him, that no one else could - I played against him in the finals of a squash tournament (albeit, I lost. In fact, I don't think I have ever beaten him in a serious match); the last time I traveled to Australia to visit him, he made sure I didn't need to foot out a single dime while I was there; every now and then he pops me an sms saying, "take care of the old folks alright because I can't be there for them."

I've seen people closest to me kick the bucket, I've seen some of my friends' parents kicking the bucket and I know it's not a nice feeling. I also realise that I don't know how much time I have left with my parents and someday they will leave this world as they go through the human life cycle. And when they depart, it's just going to be me and him. He's all I got and I am all he's got....... but he ain't heavy, his my brother.

When your own mind becomes your enemy~

"huh huh", "huh huh", "huh huh", I was breathing hard and I was sweating hard. Most of the muscles in my body were starting to feel a burning sensation. I knew my body was very close to the limit. I was struggling to breathe, in fact. I was down 5 points and my opponent looked stronger than ever. I knew in my mind, this was going to be one of the toughest squash matches I have ever had in years.

The match pinched me because there I was looking at my opponent, he's this bloke almost twice my age and yet I couldn't beat or let alone take a set off him. It was down right frustrating. I was thinking so hard to come out with some way to beat him but I simply ran out of ideas during the match. Every shot I played, he had an answer for it. If I made a good shot, he'd make a better shot. It reached a point where I just didn't know what to do anymore!

At that tipping point, I got frustrated and I got upset with myself. That's when unforced errors started to come in and I basically gave him the game. The frustration just got worse.

I sat outside the court after the match just asking myself one question. Only one. "Was it worth getting frustrated and upset with yourself?". As I saw the sweat from my face dripped on the floor as I sat on the floor, I knew the answer was a simple, "No".

As I drove home, windows down, the air blowing into the car was simply refreshing. Then as I gave the match a deep thought (still conscious of the road, I promise), it dawned to me that there is an undeniable truth to the fact that the mind has latent powers that many of us can actually harness maybe with the exception of great minds like Einstein, Socrates or Darwin.

My point is this - the very mind that I was using to come up with tactics and techniques to beat my opponent in the very end turned against me when I lost my mind in the state of frustration and simply gave away the match making unforced errors and sometimes, silly shots.

Yes, I admit I may be raising a rhetorical point but the irony of the human mind being a double edged sword is simply mind boggling. As much as the human mind is capable of marvelous feats, it can also be the harbinger of self-destruction.

Old folks' home, a necessary evil?

Paid a visit to my grandmother today and she currently lives in an old folks' home. I know it may not necessary be nice to place her there. I have had many friends asking me why she's been place there? Apparently, most people think it's cruel.

On the contrary, I personally think the old folks' home is a necessity in this time and day. Don't get me wrong because I am by no means giving a reason for anyone to ship their parents into an old folks' home.

My grandmother now lives in an old folks' home due to her stubborn personality, not wanting to live with her children. Last time she stayed with my family, she felt scared being alone my house because my family never came home until 9 to 10pm during the weekdays due to our busy schedule with work.

Along the way we tried asking to stay with some of my uncles and aunties, then she decided there was no place like her own home. Finally, we gave up and she got her way. She may have enjoyed staying in her own home but we were worried. Worried because she was all alone ever since my grandfather passed away a few years ago. She was in her early 70s then and someone in her 70s would be pretty cumbersome and most importantly, fragile.

Without the luxury of time, my family and I travel to visit her at most once every two months. Well, my family lives about 2 hours drive from where she lives since we are in different states.

Our worse fear materialised about 4 years ago, when she slipped and fell down in her home. Thankfully, my aunty found her on the floor in her home when she was paying her a visit one weekend. Had my aunty decided she not going to visit her that weekend, my grandmother would have probably been on the floor for God knows how long!

That's when a collective decision was made to have her live in an old folks' home. Today, she lives amongst many other old ladies in an old folks' home that separates men and women. There are caretakers who are around 24 hours a day to make sure everyone is fine.

The folks there get 4 balanced meals a day, and if anything happens we get a phone call from them. In the old folks' home, she gets to interact with the other folks around her and even if she doesn't really talk to them, at least she is around a crowd. I personally think, it gives her some form of mental comfort to know that they are others who are in the same position as her or worse off.

Ultimately, I get a peace of mind, my family and relatives get a peace of mind.

As much as the general mindset is that an old folks' home is a place to boot old folks who are deemed a burden to family. I personally think it provides a safe haven for old folks, a place where they are taken cared of. It is no form of replacement for family love but it does keep the old folks safe from harm.

Call it a necessary evil...................

The kid with the motorcycle

This morning I went to fill my car with petrol. I went in to the petrol station counter to pay for the petrol I was going to pump into my car. Right before it was my turn, there was teenager paying for the petrol to be filled up for his motorcycle.

He looked young, probably only 18 years of age. This kid tells the guy at the counter he wants 5 Ringgit worth petrol for his motorcycle down at pump 5. Then I heard a pause and he then said, "Sorry, make it 3 Ringgit instead.". That's when I noticed him looking into his wallet and I saw it was close to being empty. I think I only saw 2 Ringgit left after he paid for the petrol.

There was no doubt that he had to gingerly reduce the amount of petrol that was going to go into his motorcycle. He was probably thinking of how much mileage he could get from 3 Ringgit worth of petrol. I don't know how far a bike can go on 3 Ringgit because I never owned bike before but one thing I knew with certainty - he definitely wasn't going to go further than 5 Ringgit worth of petrol.

While most of us out there are always dreaming of 'upgrading' to bigger more luxurious fuel guzzling cars, this poor bloke here was lucky to even get some petrol into his bike. As much as we all dream about having nice cars and to be able to boast how much horsepower it packs or its hand made leather seats, we often forget how lucky it is to even have an engine and four wheels that gets us to work and back home safely.

My workplace recently had a bout of salary increment to those who qualified and it triggered quite a fair bit of displeasing sentiment in view of the relatively low increment. There were a lot complains and disagreement with the lower increment this year compared to last year.

As much as it is good to dream about all the luxuries money can bring, one should not forget that one should count one's blessing for a roof over one's head, food to eat, water to drink, a car. While most of us just swipe our credit card at the petrol pump and go "Fill her up!", the kid on the bike had to fracture how little he had in his wallet to make sure he some dough left for other things..........

turnaround effect

Today was one hell of a day for me. So bad that it left me with a spinning head for a good three quarter of the day.

It started off as a pretty good day at work not until I made a few errors. Errors that were down right silly and should not have been made to begin with. Like any other errors related to work and official documents, there are bound to be a repercussion. I got apprehended by my boss. Big boss to be precise. I am fine with the apprehension since a mistake will be a mistake - especially MY mistake.

More often than not, silly errors are the ones that leave you feeling really sore about yourself. Especially the ones you don't expect to make. It is embarrassing to say the least and it paints a really bad image about me.

As much as a small error can leave me feeling crappy about myself, similarly a small good deed left me feeling good at the end of the day.

Before going back everyday, I need to line up in front of an auto pay machine to settle my parking bill for the day. An expensive RM9 for your information! Anyway.... forget the price but there was this middle age man trying to pay via the machine and judging from the frown he wore on his face, clearly it was his first time trying to pay his parking on the machine.

As he spent time figuring out how to pay on the machine, a line was forming behind him. I heard him mumbling something about not having small change to pay. He didn't realise the machine accepted notes.

The ironic part is, as he stood there for almost 2 minutes figuring things out, no one took the trouble to tell him the machine took notes. A girl on the machine beside his just giggled. I didn't think it was funny. The girl behind him just stood there like a log. Probably hoping he'd figure it out faster. Guess, she never thought if she bothered to assist him she would be already be on her way home!

So, I just walked up to the man and directed him how to work that machine. He paid his parking without any trouble and thank me. By the time it reached my turn to pay, I did the necessary and walked myself to my car. As I was opening my car door, I hear a car stop in front of my car and the car gives me a quick beep. It was man I helped at the machine. He said thanks again and gave me thumb's up. It made me feel warm in my heart............ I felt good.

What a wonderful turnaround effect!

ugly truth~

Friends will always be friends, or so that's what most people tell me. What about times when friends just can't be friends anymore? Ever come across such a pinch?

You probably wouldn't be surprised that there are many things in life that can make friends and quite easily break friendships. You and I would have made and lost many friends along the way of growing up. That's part of growing up and maybe, maybe it's part of learning to differentiate who's your friend and who's not.

A lot of things can happen in between friendships - work, money, love, etc.

Money........ ahhhhhhhhh, the ultimate evil of all things if I must say so myself. People all around the world of different races, skin colour, nationality. Anyone can fall prey to the temptation money has to offer. I too fall prey to the temptation of money sometimes..... The flesh is weak after all.

Let me just take it one step further. When I think about money, I think career as well. Career is the driving force that brings money. Good career = good money (that's what we like to think).

Mix those two elements up, and you get a pretty good concoction that can really blow friendships to kingdom come especially when your friend is a colleague. They are some who would do anything to get up the corporate mountain peak inclusive of sacrificing friendship.

Trust me, someday you'll probably face it or probably already faced it. What would you do? It's walking the tightrope because career progression always sparks envy and it is bound to create some friction between friends whether any of us like it or not.

It's sad to a certain extent because it just affirms the fact that even humans like you and I who are considered to be the top of the food chain will still succumb to the ugly truth of the vicious life cycle - when one rises, another shall fall............

the invisible thread that binds us

In an old Chinese folk tale, it is said that when one is brought to this world, we have the love of our life waiting for us in this world at a time and date set by God. In fact, our destinies lies in a red thread tied to our pinkie finger. That red thread is then tied to another person's pinkie finger.

It is said that you and that person will be an item in your lifetime. That's the story at least.......

Many a times I have seen couples asking one another, "do you love me?" and, "why do you love me?". There will always be answers to those questions like "you are nice, pretty, blah blah blah, etc........." you know the usual mushy answers you'd expect to hear.

But do we really need a reason to love someone? Seriously?

I saw The Ugly Truth last night. It's a romantic comedy movie that really gets you laughing from start to finish. I am not going to write a review of the movie but I'd rather focus on one line from the movie that I found very profound. At the end, the main actress finally asked this guy, "Why do you love me?". The guy looks at her with the most clueless look and just go, "I don't know!!!" and they finally kiss each other.

Maybe that's what love is all about. Don't need to over analyse anything, no need to think about what sort of a person you wish to have as a life's mate, no need to think about one's personality or background. Just go with the flow of what your heart thinks.

I was silly enough to follow my curious instincts to ask couple friends of mine to me what is it that binds them together. In the mix of these friends were married, new couples or about to get married. I am blessed this time that my honest curiosity did not get me killed.

What I found out from my conversations with them is surprising to say the least. They couldn't really pin down how they became attached to each other.

"When it happens, it just happens. You can't really control it or predict it," said one of my friends. His spouse agreed with him. "Maybe we were already predestined to be with one another according to a time God thinks is right for us and then it just happens," said another friend.

One thing's for sure - you can't really explain the complexities of the human emotions and this feeling of love and affection. Or it is probably a concoction of certain chemicals in our body that creates this feeling of love.

Some of us grow old never finding the right one, some find the right one at an early age, some find the right one when it's a tad too late. Maybe all this have been predestined by the red thread tied to our pinkie finger when we are born to this world.

people

We are in the 21st century and the progress of technology brings us smaller, better, more sophisticated and even smarter robots and nanomachines. Only five years ago I was using a Pentium 3 desktop, now we have moved into the quad core Intel processors that make Pentium 3 look like it is sleeping on the job.

Technology is a wonderful thing. There is absolutely no doubt about that obvious fact staring at all of us in the face. Just a week ago, I saw a tv programme on the National Geographic channel that featured a group of really smart professors in the US trying to design and create a robot that can do house chores - autonomous robots.

Wonderful as technology may seem to be and how much research is going into trying to make artificial intelligence, what most of us call AI, you'd realise that achieving AI is going to one hell of a task. At this point in time, the possibility of a full blown AI robot with its own intelligence and a mind of its own seems remote. Remote but the possibility is still there.

Through the path of time, humans have proven to be very agile at evading disaster and surviving millions of years since the dawn of time. Great dinosaurs perished in a cataclysmic mysterious manner, great beasts like the mammoth perished along with time, yet humans have evolved from ape-like beings to beings like you and I.

I can't help but think there must be a reason so many living creatures have succumbed to the ravages of time yet we, humans have survived for so long and at the same time brought about revolutionary ideas and solutions - Benjamin Franklin discovering electricity, Alexander Graham Bell who brought us the telephone, Henry Ford who brought us the car, German Karl Ferdinand Braun invented the cathode ray tube oscilloscope and a whole plethora of other inventions by extraordinary people out there.............

Ever wondered what the world will be like with AIs around? I think it'd be scary. A world filled with emotionless metal bonded robots running around doing stuff we do. Makes you think about those movies where robots take over the world and turn humans into slaves right?

As much as I appreciate what technology has done for me, I do not wish for the world to have sophisticated human-like AIs. In my opinion, technology will never be able to replace the causal ambiguity and ingenuity humans have - emotions, feelings, compassion, empathy.

I am not surprised that famous businessmen in the past as early as the 19th century foresaw the dawn of technology and coming of the era of mechanisation. But machines can never replace the human emotions and mind.... too unique to be replicated.

Andrew Carnegie, the founder of Carnegie Steel understood all too well and once said:

'"Take away my people, but leave my factories, and soon grass will grow on the factory floors. Take away my factories, but leave my people, and soon we will have a new and better factory."

Amazing words of wisdom that tell me people are the essential element of this world we live in. You can have all the riches in the world but without the people to share your happiness with, it is of no use. Have the most sophisticated piece of machinery but no one to man it, you have pile of scrap metal. You may create AIs but you can never create the human emotions.........

The singer in a bar......

This guys walks into the bar, looks like every other ordinary guy on the street, mid 40s, wearing a spectacles, dangling a guitar around his back except for one minor detail - he suffered from polio and he walked with a pair crutches.

His name is Frankie. He was tonight's singer at the bar.

I was having a quiet usual drink by myself for the weekend like I always do - a usual practice for me to recollect myself and get my own me time. And no, I am not an alchoholic.

Unfortunately, the bar wasn't so quiet tonight. Probably the eve of Malaysia's independence day so it gave many citizens license to drink on a Sunday night without having to worry about having to wake up with a hangover on a Monday morning since it is going to holiday tomorrow.

While I was assuming my drinks for the night just enjoying the time for myself, Frankie was setting up his music equipment. I saw him doing some test strums on his guitar, some mic test. When he was finally satisfied with the sound system, he started singing.

He sang songs from the good old times - The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel, Words by the Bee Gees, My Father's Eyes by Eric Clapton. Those songs were not my type of songs but I found those songs pretty soothing.

There were some old folks who even walked up to Frankie to make some requests for the night.

As Frankie sang for the night, I was simply wondering what he actually did for a living. I mean did he really sing for a living or was it something he did because he loved doing it? Was he one of those who never got a break at singing professionally?

I couldn't help but think why is this guy a bar singer. Most people at his age would already be quite well off financially and happy with a family.

But Frankie had something many of us don't have. As much as the fact that he probably didn't get much as a bar singer, he seemed happy singing. So, while he was singing, I took a look around the bar and realised at least half of the patrons there didn't really bother much about his singing.

Another point that stood out about him was the fact that he was being himself. Not the corporate look good do-gooder that most of us are forced to portray due to contractual obligations imposed on us. Half the bar couldn't care less about his singing or what he was singing but he kept on going. Personally, I think I'd lose my motivation if no one listened to my singing (not that I am trying to imply that my singing is good).

I think it is important for all of us to remember that we should be ourselves. Many of us out there are not who we are. I fall in the trap all the time! Trying to be who we are not, wearing a mask everytime we out there working or meeting people.

Someday you will notice that not being yourself is tiring because you find that you are always acting and putting on a show. You'll never be happy and you'll fill unfilfilled in life. Another thing, you'll feel very demotivated because you'll realise no matter how good a show you put up, like Frankie, half the world or more couldn't care less about it...............

one of those things in life~

Rain...... that's what most of us in this part of Malaysia has been facing for the past four days.

"I hate blasted rains", those were the thoughts of Paul. The rain reminds him of the time his father passed away 3 years ago. It was a tough reality of life he had to accept. His father was his only family after his mother left the family when he was only 3 years of age.

The rains only reminded him of how painful it was to lose his only family and how much he hated his mother who left the family because his father's business did not do well. His father told him his mother passed away when he was a baby. Paul found out the painful truth after he read his father's diary he found while clearing his father's room after his father passed away. Strangely, his father never blamed his mother for leaving, and still wrote about how much he loved her.

Paul never truly understood his father's feelings for his heartless mother.

He pretty much spent his childhood in his father's office - their only home. His father was close to being broke, the office was their home, tables became their bed at night and newspaper became their blanket when it got cold at night. Paul's father was trying to run a business supplying printing paper to offices.

Competition was tough, business was so slow, expenditure simply overran income. Two years in the business and they were at the brink of financial oblivion. That's when Paul's mother decided she wasn't going to hang around a loser and left the family, leaving Paul at three years of age.

Twenty four years has since passed, Paul and his father made it through the tough times. The company is now one of the largest suppliers of paper to major offices in the country and Paul was hell bent on making sure his father's legacy would go on. It was his destiny!

................................................................................

It's a Friday evening, Paul runs through the accounts for the day before closing up. The phone rings, Paul answers it and he hears an unfamiliar voice.

"Paul, is that you?"

"Yes, Paul speaking. Who is this please?"

"I don't know how to say this... but I am your mother."

"I don't have a mother. She left the family a long time ago."

"I know you must be angry, but I saw the advertisement of Dave's passing."

"You sure have a lot of concern for someone who left us for broke."

"I............. I..............."

"Have a nice day." Paul hangs up.

He never heard a call from her again.

So often people are quick to judge just like how Paul's mother judged her husband when the business was not doing well. It is a common sight in this materialistic world we live in. I personally know of friends who went through a similar circumstance in life.

It's not nice to judge someone........ people are who they are because of circumstances in their lives. Let them be who they are and you be who you are. We are all different and are special. It of us were given a gift from God called life.

existing vs living?

Over the weekend I read a book that said, "If you wake up every morning to go to work simply because you have to, and wait for your monthly pay cheque, you are not even living. You are merely existing."

It was a reality check right in my face. The words were throbbing in front of me like a red flag showing conspicuously placed in a mine laid field! Those words really got me thinking about me. It got me thinking about what I was doing now - existing or living?

Embarrassingly, I really think I am existing.

Merely existing isn't difficult to achieve in this overpopulated third rock from the sun. I don't think I'd be wrong if I assumed a good 75% of this world exists and don't really take a crack at living. I mean really living - waking up in the morning knowing there is a purpose for the day, a real purpose in what you want do in your living wake.

I can't help but think there has to be more than just waking up, getting dressed, rocking up to office, going home, then looking forward to the weekend.

What is my purpose? What is your purpose?

Ever thought about it? If you haven't, I think you should give a thought..........