Ever wondered what it feels like standing in the middle of nowhere wondering which direction to head to? What to do next? How to get about the next step in your journey? Looking left and right into an empty horizon not knowing whether you will even make it through the next day.
That's one of those moment I feel I am in right now. It's almost like I am in a different realm void of all reasoning and just not sure what to do next. I am looking left and right really wondering if I can make it through the next day.
At one point I thought the first half of this year was probably one of the worse I have ever had but right now, I might have just dropped a step lower in the "worse" situation scale. It is even more perplexing considering I managed to get a two week break out of the country to refresh my mind and following that received some good news knowing that I have progressed yet another small step in my careeer. Put that all into an equation and I should be smiling myself ear to ear but yet I find myself in this situation figuratively staring at questions marks, questions marks and more question marks looking at all directions. A cloud of uncertainty, I guess appears to loom over this litte, insignificant entity (i.e me) on this planet called earth.
It is no doubt a fact of life that peaks and valleys appear in our life's journey and I can safely say I am right now in the valley. Not the valley of the beasts but just a valley. Most importantly, I am fairly certain I can attribute this unsettling feeling to the vacation I had.
Despite having a good time vacationing in a different country, having to open my eyes to a plethora of new sensations, cultures and experiences, it has one major drawback. That drawback is the fact that it has made me question my very own roots. Albeit the fact that I cannot jump to conclusions to say that my current situation is worse off than where I was vacationing, it does plant a seed to look myself in the mirror and question my priorities.
Suddenly, I start realizing I could be missing out a lot on my life chasing dreams that may well get me killed before I am due. For instance, a very strong undeniable fact that I am now a statistic, being a sufferer of extensive hypertension and will be on drugs for pretty much the rest of my life (lucky if the dosage does not increase). There are times even sleep becomes a luxury I can only hope for a midst the huff and puff of being in a profession.
Despite maybe having to be a little better off financially than others out there, it can at times take a toll on myself when push comes to shove and the only thing that matters to everyone is results. Again, I start questioning my objectives, the rationality of it all and at the very core is this doing more harm to my well being than good.
Like a fly which has only an extremely short life span of between 15 to 30 days because everything it sees, feels is in the fast forward. Maybe, just maybe if we do the same, our lifespan may well drop drastically. I am no biologist or a medic student but I'd say my rationale would be fairly close......
Throughout it all, answers don't fall from the sky or appear out of thin air and I guess I can only wait hopefully find the answer as I muddle through the all the question marks that surround me at this moment.....
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