When your own mind becomes your enemy~

"huh huh", "huh huh", "huh huh", I was breathing hard and I was sweating hard. Most of the muscles in my body were starting to feel a burning sensation. I knew my body was very close to the limit. I was struggling to breathe, in fact. I was down 5 points and my opponent looked stronger than ever. I knew in my mind, this was going to be one of the toughest squash matches I have ever had in years.

The match pinched me because there I was looking at my opponent, he's this bloke almost twice my age and yet I couldn't beat or let alone take a set off him. It was down right frustrating. I was thinking so hard to come out with some way to beat him but I simply ran out of ideas during the match. Every shot I played, he had an answer for it. If I made a good shot, he'd make a better shot. It reached a point where I just didn't know what to do anymore!

At that tipping point, I got frustrated and I got upset with myself. That's when unforced errors started to come in and I basically gave him the game. The frustration just got worse.

I sat outside the court after the match just asking myself one question. Only one. "Was it worth getting frustrated and upset with yourself?". As I saw the sweat from my face dripped on the floor as I sat on the floor, I knew the answer was a simple, "No".

As I drove home, windows down, the air blowing into the car was simply refreshing. Then as I gave the match a deep thought (still conscious of the road, I promise), it dawned to me that there is an undeniable truth to the fact that the mind has latent powers that many of us can actually harness maybe with the exception of great minds like Einstein, Socrates or Darwin.

My point is this - the very mind that I was using to come up with tactics and techniques to beat my opponent in the very end turned against me when I lost my mind in the state of frustration and simply gave away the match making unforced errors and sometimes, silly shots.

Yes, I admit I may be raising a rhetorical point but the irony of the human mind being a double edged sword is simply mind boggling. As much as the human mind is capable of marvelous feats, it can also be the harbinger of self-destruction.

Old folks' home, a necessary evil?

Paid a visit to my grandmother today and she currently lives in an old folks' home. I know it may not necessary be nice to place her there. I have had many friends asking me why she's been place there? Apparently, most people think it's cruel.

On the contrary, I personally think the old folks' home is a necessity in this time and day. Don't get me wrong because I am by no means giving a reason for anyone to ship their parents into an old folks' home.

My grandmother now lives in an old folks' home due to her stubborn personality, not wanting to live with her children. Last time she stayed with my family, she felt scared being alone my house because my family never came home until 9 to 10pm during the weekdays due to our busy schedule with work.

Along the way we tried asking to stay with some of my uncles and aunties, then she decided there was no place like her own home. Finally, we gave up and she got her way. She may have enjoyed staying in her own home but we were worried. Worried because she was all alone ever since my grandfather passed away a few years ago. She was in her early 70s then and someone in her 70s would be pretty cumbersome and most importantly, fragile.

Without the luxury of time, my family and I travel to visit her at most once every two months. Well, my family lives about 2 hours drive from where she lives since we are in different states.

Our worse fear materialised about 4 years ago, when she slipped and fell down in her home. Thankfully, my aunty found her on the floor in her home when she was paying her a visit one weekend. Had my aunty decided she not going to visit her that weekend, my grandmother would have probably been on the floor for God knows how long!

That's when a collective decision was made to have her live in an old folks' home. Today, she lives amongst many other old ladies in an old folks' home that separates men and women. There are caretakers who are around 24 hours a day to make sure everyone is fine.

The folks there get 4 balanced meals a day, and if anything happens we get a phone call from them. In the old folks' home, she gets to interact with the other folks around her and even if she doesn't really talk to them, at least she is around a crowd. I personally think, it gives her some form of mental comfort to know that they are others who are in the same position as her or worse off.

Ultimately, I get a peace of mind, my family and relatives get a peace of mind.

As much as the general mindset is that an old folks' home is a place to boot old folks who are deemed a burden to family. I personally think it provides a safe haven for old folks, a place where they are taken cared of. It is no form of replacement for family love but it does keep the old folks safe from harm.

Call it a necessary evil...................

The kid with the motorcycle

This morning I went to fill my car with petrol. I went in to the petrol station counter to pay for the petrol I was going to pump into my car. Right before it was my turn, there was teenager paying for the petrol to be filled up for his motorcycle.

He looked young, probably only 18 years of age. This kid tells the guy at the counter he wants 5 Ringgit worth petrol for his motorcycle down at pump 5. Then I heard a pause and he then said, "Sorry, make it 3 Ringgit instead.". That's when I noticed him looking into his wallet and I saw it was close to being empty. I think I only saw 2 Ringgit left after he paid for the petrol.

There was no doubt that he had to gingerly reduce the amount of petrol that was going to go into his motorcycle. He was probably thinking of how much mileage he could get from 3 Ringgit worth of petrol. I don't know how far a bike can go on 3 Ringgit because I never owned bike before but one thing I knew with certainty - he definitely wasn't going to go further than 5 Ringgit worth of petrol.

While most of us out there are always dreaming of 'upgrading' to bigger more luxurious fuel guzzling cars, this poor bloke here was lucky to even get some petrol into his bike. As much as we all dream about having nice cars and to be able to boast how much horsepower it packs or its hand made leather seats, we often forget how lucky it is to even have an engine and four wheels that gets us to work and back home safely.

My workplace recently had a bout of salary increment to those who qualified and it triggered quite a fair bit of displeasing sentiment in view of the relatively low increment. There were a lot complains and disagreement with the lower increment this year compared to last year.

As much as it is good to dream about all the luxuries money can bring, one should not forget that one should count one's blessing for a roof over one's head, food to eat, water to drink, a car. While most of us just swipe our credit card at the petrol pump and go "Fill her up!", the kid on the bike had to fracture how little he had in his wallet to make sure he some dough left for other things..........

All it takes is a little encouragement

"A Life at Work" by Thomas Moore is currently the book I am reading. I have reached about half way so far and it has really given me a lot of in sight about my destiny or at least pointers to get me on my way to figure out what my life work is (i.e. your ideal work, work that fulfills you from the inside, food-for-the-soul kind of work). It's still a work in progress thing for me; a long way from reaching the full discovery point (if I ever reach it).

Your life work can be as simple as helping old folks in need in a nursing home to something as simple as being a life guard. Simplest of work can be the most rewarding to a person's hear that's deep down. Of course, there's no denying that it is different for everyone.

But sometimes, if not all the time, all it takes is a little encouragement from the people around you. Sometimes it is as simple as, "a job well done chump!" or "way to go bud!" or "you hit the home run mate!" or even "great job!". And sometimes, these words mean more than a billion dollars to certain people. It's the joy of knowing someone out there thinks you have done something worth appreciating.

I personal experienced it. It's a wonderful feeling because I feel like I have made a difference in someone else's life. I am not talking about making a life defining moment in another's life and neither I am saying that I made a difference in another person's life. What I am saying is that someone out there in this world thinks I am good at something.

I experienced it via this small, humble blog of mine. I have had people giving negative comments on my posts and sometimes positive comments but I take it at a stride and see if I can learn something new from the comments I get. Yesterday, I had a multiple strings of negative comment about a post I wrote recently. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel offended but what I realised was that it was only one person's opinion as compared to the other many positive comments I have received thus far.

In fact, on the same day in the night one of my online friends said to me, "I really like your blog. You are really good at writing. Don't stop writing.".

And that made the difference. It gave me a ray of hope that tells me to keep on blogging. Most importantly, I recognised the fact that I don't need big, material rewards to encourage me and keep me going. Even small gestures of appreciation is all it takes to give other's a little encouragement.