Breakthrough.....

Having spent the whole day at work, I am beginning to get a better picture of what I am doing. I think, maybe now I am walking close to the correct road. Driving back from work, just thinking back about how the day went by, I felt a little more satisfaction in the back of my head. Guess, the coffee I had before driving back did some good in keeping myself awake!

Life is such that we cannot expect to be able to enjoy shortcuts at all times. All things in life ranging from small tiny matters to really significant matters must all be dealt with in a systematic way. Setting expectations and goals is one thing. Trying to achieve it is another matter. So far, from my experiences there simply isn't any accelerated sure-fire way to reach your goal. Slowly picking the pieces up is the only way to ensure a smoother road ahead, although not necessarily flat smooth. Learning from my fatih, worrying for the present day is good enough and one should not try to worry about the future that is inherently unpredictable. After all, what I do today does affect what happens tomorrow..............

Back to the same grind......

Today is the last day for the holidays and it will be back to work tomorrow. And back to the same old grind again. I guess all is not wasted these few days of holiday. I managed to get some rest, and just relax myself. I managed to make time for playing my cello, made time to work on my mix (which is pretty half done) and I managed to catch up on the animes I downloaded and missed out earlier. On top of that, I managed to make time to listen to most of the music I have missed out - Safri Duo and Armin Van Buuren! On top of that, its Armin Van Buuren LIVE!!! Not forgetting I finally managed to have the time to watch L'Arc~en~Ciel's 15th annivesary concert LIVE in Tokyo Dome - for those who want to know you can check them out at http://www.larc-en-ciel.com/ they are my favourite Japanes rock band.

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It is raining now and it is pouring pretty heavily at the moment. Surprising to have it raining during this time around. After all, so many years of my life it has never rained during the Chinese New Year period. But this year, it has rained throughout all the days of Chinese New Year. Probably to usher in the dry season, which should last for the next three months I supposed. The way I look at it, the global weather trend has changed dramatically and it at times appears scary to me. Temperatures are rising, rains and storms getting heavier, and winds blowing at speeds that are dangerous. Are we headed towards a bleak future? Have we humans raped the world of its richness once meant for all of us? All are we all headed towards the very end for all us without us knowing, and no where to run?

Holiday~

Coming back home from work yesterday was a pretty nice feeling, knowing that I do not have to attend any classes during the weekend, and I get some break from all the hussle and bussle of my work life.

Sometimes I wonder why I never stucked on to the music profession. Coming to think of it, there was flexibility in both the nature and timing of the job. Ironically, I always thought I was going to make my first job my last job. Sitting down right now, looking at my monitor typing this out, I am now unsure of whether that will be true in time to come. It is a difficult world of rat race out there! Forgiveness in the work place is hard to come by, and you have to work hard simply to maintain your place or position. And I am not even touching on working to get a promotion yet. The question of "is it that worth it?" lingers behind my mind. It is a disturbing feeling that I can not provide a solution for at this moment in time.

I am too surprise about the reaction of my mind. All this while, since I was about 16 years old, I always thought that this was what I wanted. But now, I am in a daze regarding that vision I once had. Is it really, really, really want I wanted? I honestly do not know now.........

But what I do know and realise is that I let $$$ get to my mind and I am paying the price now.

LESSON LEARNT - Do not ever let $$$ get to your brain!

miserable~ miserable~

More bad times........ all this while thinking I was doing fine at work, I was wrong! Sadly, my work was not satisfying and I took the beating for it. Things I thought I was doing right or sufficiently were in actual fact insufficient. How's that for a blow to my confidence and motivation? Motivation is right down at nil right now! Confidence is about close to nil as well.

Having been seconded to a different client and manager this time around, I am considering myself lucky for now, since the client I am working with are generally helpful and co-operative people (although I do not know how long this will go on). I keep bugging them for information and disturbing them from time to time trying to get documents.

Moving from work, Its Valentine's day, yeap yeap! And I spent it with none but my dear VC. Traffic was horrible on the way to get her, but the night was not too bad having a rather decent dinner with her. I must admit though, food was not as good as I wanted it to be. However, forget the food! The highlight of the night was the gifts VC got for me. Surprised I was! The gifts were a pair of glasses that really showed the meaning of LOVE, a nice T-Shirt and a working shirt with one really nice looking tie to go with it. I am really happy that she went through all that to really get nice gifts and even furiishing it a nice gift box and bag. I will never forget this night I had with VC. She will be back to Brunei tomorrow for the Chinese New Year.... I am going to miss here these few days.

Night is getting late and I am going to sleep it out. :)

Tougher times ahead....

More work ahead is the only thing I see in the horizon. Yes, stress is creeping in..... but it is not stress due to the workload but stress worrying about what might be hidden for me. The fear of doing something for the first time is constantly looming in my mind.

Is it human nature to always fear the unknown? Is it really always the case? What is it about the unknown that we fear so much? Or at least I fear. I have to shake it out from my system! Thinking back about all my days at work, tiredness is the main factor that contribute to all these worries. When the mind gets tired, it then starts wandering because it has lost its strength to control what it wants to think. Of course, lack of sleep certainly plays a big role in the tiredness of the mind. But what can I do? Separating time for work and studies simply is not easy at all.

My engagement team is down by one person. To add on, my senior is already puffed up with work. On the other hand, work is piling up as well because I may have to follow up on my seconded team mate. To make things tough, there are more engagements coming in soon if I am not mistaken. Tougher times ahead indeed.

----------------------------- got to keep on pushing ahead -----------------------------------------

Keeping focus is the key!

Flu flu flu..... my nose has been stuck for the past 3 to 4 weeks. Probably from all the late nights trying to squeeze in time for studies. At least today, I am feeling a bit better and my nose is not so stucked.

Work on the other hand, may not necessary seem to be getting brighter. Client unwittingly has given us more work to do with last minute adjustments. On the other hand, the whole team is down by one person having my team mate being seconded to another engagement. I think it is going to get tougher but I have to stay focused no matter what! After all, I need to get a good performance rating so I can get a good promotion. *sigh*

Commitments are part of life and I need to strengthen myself to uphold those commitments. I need to safeguard my future, so that my future can safeguard VC's future too! I guess here is my chance to strengthen myself! If I can survive this engagement, it will give me a good indicator of how much more I can take. In life, it is never about how much or how hard you can hit but it is about how much hitting you can take and how hard of a hitting you can take. On top of that, recieve all the beatings and stand up tall surviving it.

Crucial moments like this, I can only keep myself focused on the job and not get astrayed. Eye on the goal! I am going to keep on pushing forward until the finish line!

Its a Monday - back to work.... back to work......

Weekend was tough with so much studying going on! Towards the end of Sunday i was becoming like this -------> @_@ And I thought university classes were tough? Topics that were done over three to five days during university are now being done over one day, in case you might be wondering why I turned out like this @_@. As the class goes further and more in depth I am starting to feel the pinch bit by bit and starting to feel some fear, worrying that I might not be able to find time or find enough awareness to be able revise or study effectively. Even as at now, more often than not its 60% seeing the notes and only 40% reading the notes. Trying to get the facts to sink in into my head is anything but an easy task! It makes it a lot more difficult to study since I find that what I study does not necessarily apply to my job..... it can be somewhat demoralising at times, honestly. However, the same way I thought when first walked into my office ,"just shut up and work hard!", I am going to have to apply that to my studies as well if I am going to do well. Of course, to avoid burning myself out I am just telling myself I do not have to do well or score fabulously as long as I just pass the paper. But deep down inside me, there is that yearning to score well. *sigh* I cannot believe I seem to be having this battle of needs and wants inside me. Is this a common trait in humans? Is there a way to control the human mind on "needs vs. wants"? Feel free to leave a comment if you have any suggestions.

As for now, its back to work!