she's human too....

I was in an old folks' home last weekend doing some visiting. While I was there, I witnessed a rather unfortunate situation. There was an elderly lady lying on the bed and she was unfortunately suffers from down syndrome.

While I sat there, she started talking to me. She might have been talking to me but I really had no idea what she was saying because the words that came out of her mouth were simply too mixed up to tell exactly what she was trying to tell me.

I could only nod to show her I was listening but I couldn't respond. I couldn't possibly respond to something I didn't understand. She kept going on and on, and I just kept on nodding. I didn't really know what else to do or what to say.

A nurse passing by noticed my "conversation" with her and I guess the nurse was concerned that I might have felt uncomfortable having to go listen to her "talking" to me. The nurse said I could ignore her if I wanted to, knowing that having to talk to a person of such circumstances wasn't exactly an everyday experience.

I asked the nurse whether she "talked" to people all the time.

She replied, "No, not really. Helen is generally very reserved. Keeps to herself and does sketching," and pointed to the wall just behind her bed. "Those are her sketches. She's really talented with sketching. She spontaneously sketches stuff she sees on tv!"

If the nurse hadn't told me those where her sketches, I would have thought those were purchased sketches for decorations. As I admired the sketches, I said, "It such a waste she God decided to make her who she is now. Her artwork could have been a pathway to a rewarding career as an artist."

The nurse look at me and said, "I don't think it's a waste. Personally, God must have His reasons for bring her into this world. She may be lacking in most of aspects as opposed to being normal. She may not be able to sketch this well if she was born normal. Helen may not be able to express herself verbally, but she expresses herself vividly through her sketches. Take a look at all the sketches. Each sketch represents some sort of emotion."

The nurse pointed to each sketch pointing out what they represented - happiness, pain, hurt, love, loneliness.

I was awed. Truly awed by how deep each sketch meant to Helen.

"Helen may suffer from down syndrome but she's human too. She's just different from you and I. We are probably not normal in her eyes. God probably wanted you to meet Helen. She hasn't had visitors over the 3 years she's been here. So happened you were sitting close to her and you provided some sort of company for her. I am sure she appreciates your company.........."

it's just rough.... it don't mean you can't scale it

Two weeks ago, I had another session of rock climbing. That session was by far the toughest rock climb I have ever done thus far. I scaled only one route, of which took me almost an hour to scale. By the time I got down after the successful climb, every limb on my body just went as soft as bean curd. I had no strength for any other climbs after that.

Finishing the climb was definitely one of the best feelings at that point in time. Especially the fact that I took almost an hour to climb it. But that climb was one of the best climbs I have done so far not because of me finishing the climb or me doing anything magnificent to scale the route. The best part of that climb was the people on the ground.

I think there were at least three parts of the route where I really struggled and simply wanted to shout down to my belayer, "bring me back down!". Honest to heart, I really felt like giving up. At the third point when it got so tough, my fingers, toes, forearms and thighs were burning from the strain and all the lactic acids building up from all the energy expended.

As I struggled up the route, I could hear voices of all my climbing buddies encouraging me to push on the route. It was an amazing feeling! Having a few people behind you pushing and really garnering you on is one good feeling.

It's like being really down and out, feeling hopeless, and suddenly you find a pair of hands reaching out to you reassuring you that you are not alone and that you are doing fine. It's like having a Powerbar when you most need it and you find a hand passing you that needed Powerbar.

When I came back down after the climb, I was really exhausted and tired but I learned something more then climbing. No one person can handle everything on his or her own. Even the most skilled climber requires a trustworthy belayer. Like any world champion, there's always a strong team behind him or her.

Other key learning point - rock climbing routes range from easy ones to really tough ones. But at the end of the day, it's just a rough route and it doesn't mean you can't scale it. You probably just need more time and concentration.

the moment

For four years, the Fender electric guitar Reily used to play with his band that nearly broke through to mainstream has been left in the corner of his room. Reily simply couldn't play the guitar the way he used to anymore.

Every time he held the guitar, his fingers would freeze up and simply couldn't move and the notes in the depths of his memories would never flow on to his fingers despite all certainty he knew he had the music in him.

Four years ago, Reily lost his family in a car accident involving their family car and a trailer. The accident happened when Reily had to play for a gig with his band. Reily has always been blaming himself for the lost of his family.

Four years ago, he had an argument with his father who insisted he should skip the gig to join his family trip. Soon after the argument, he stomped right out of the house and left for the gig. His family went on ahead with the trip and met their unfortunate fate. Reily holds himself at fault for causing their death. Had it not been the argument, his father would have been in a better state to drive. From that day on, Reily lost all musical sense and could no longer play the guitar. His fingers too heavy with guilt.

He never listened to any recordings of his band from that day onwards. Reily didn't think he was ever going to do music again in his lifetime.

Not until one day when he met this girl. A girl who simply needed a place to stay when the orphanage she lived in was closed down after sponsors pulled out due to the financial crises.

It all started when Reily found her sleeping by his apartment door one morning. Not knowing what else to do, he found himself taking her in and in return she was to help with the housework. She was Venna, at least that's the name she remembered being called when she was still living in the orphanage.

While cleaning the Reily's apartment one afternoon, she noticed the guitar and couldn't help but ask Reily to play a tune or two. She noticed a change in his demeanor as he declined to play the guitar.

She didn't understood why he refused to play the guitar. Not until one day she stumbled upon an old CD recording of Reily's band and saw Reily's picture in the CD booklet. Venna played the CD and immediately couldn't help but notice Reily's incredible talent for the guitar. It was at that moment, Venna realized that there was something hindering Reily's ability to play the guitar and she wanted to do something for him in return for taking her in. She wanted Reily to get back into music and to get out from his sad state of working part time job in a fast food restaurant.

As the months went by, Venna diligently practiced singing the song she heard from the CD with the hope of singing it to Reily. At the same time, Reily and Venna drew closer and closer to each other.

One evening, while taking a stroll down the beach nearby the apartment, Reily and Venna simply held hands as they strolled the quiet beach with Venna's head on Reily's shoulder. It was an impulse reaction and it somehow just felt right between the both of them.

That moment at the beach was the moment Venna knew what to do - she sang the song she heard in the CD. Reily was surprised she knew the song and didn't say anything. He simply felt the warmth in his heart and he could feel the emotions Venna had in her singing. At that moment, Reily could feel the music in him coming out and breaking free from the emotional prison he had built inside him. It became the moment he decided he was going to go back into music.

People come, people go in our lives. We live through a myriad of experiences - some sad, some happy. But all it needs at times is for one special moment in life to open a box of sparkle in each and everyone of us......... that is "the moment".

take a look through my eyes.......

Ned couldn't help staring at her. Simply couldn't take his eyes from her. Ned couldn't help but feel that she is the most beautiful thing in thing in the world. Sadly, he could only look from behind the glass panel for the girl he was staring at is his pre-maturely born daughter, Sara. She was on life support and placed under the incubator to keep her going.

As much as he wanted to cuddle her in his arms, it was simply not possible. Not until Sara was considered to be in stable condition by the doctor. Ned could only wait and pray to God. Since Sara was given birth to the night before, Ned had only one thing in his mind - Sara.

While Ned waited by the ICU for Sara to get stronger, he could see happy parents with their newborns. It broke his heart knowing that he couldn't carry Sara like how the other parents could.

Three days in the ICU, Sara still showed no signs of improvement and Ned was starting to get worried about her situation. The doctor felt sorry for Ned and didn't want to tell Ned that Sara had a slim chance of surviving, with all empathy allowed Ned to enter the ICU to see Sara possible for the last moments.

Ned broke down in tears as he stood by Sara's incubator. Ned finally prayed really hard, "God, I've never been a church-goer, neither have I never been a staunch Christian and I hardly read the bible in my entire 32 years of my life but hear me out here. Right in front of me is Sara. My only daughter and my only child right now. 5 years after my marriage with Judy, we kept trying for a child and we finally have one but it's like you are going to take away from us. I don't know what Sara is to anyone but please take a look through my eyes. You'll be amazed by what you see."

Tears rolling down his cheeks as he continued, "This little child in this incubator, Sara, is not just any baby. She's Judy's and my child. A child we tried so hard to have. She may be small right now, but I believe that she can someday grow up to be a strong, normal child. She's also a gift from You. I never knew we could ever have a child because of Judy's kidney condition. Now, we finally have a child, don't take her away, please."

"Through my eyes, she's a shining star. Through my eyes, she's the light of our lives. Through my eyes, she's a wonderful child that You blessed us with. Through my eyes, she's the tiny bit of hope that tells me and Judy that as long as we never give up, nothing is impossible. Against all odds, Judy gave birth to Sara safely despite the fact that the doctor told us it would be impossible! Through my eyes, Sara is all Judy and I ever wished for since the day we took our vows that we'd love each other for the rest of our lives."

"So please, take a look through my eyes. She's all we've got. So please, don't take Sara away from us.............. please............". As Ned spoke those words, his tear drops dripped on to the cover of Sara's incubator and made the tapping sounds. Miraculously, Sara responded to the tapping sounds made by Ned's tears. Her tiny, little fingers twitched and the tiny toes twitched as well. After three days without any movement or signs of improvement, Sara suddenly showed life. The doctor was surprised and he decided that Ned should be there everyday just speaking to Sara. It didn't matter whether Sara understood a single thing he was saying but the doctor could only think it was some special bond between a parent and a child.

Through Ned's eyes, Sara was more than a daughter. She was the ray of light he and Judy could ever wished for and she was the light of their lives.

Through one's eyes, you'll truly be amazed by what you can find...........

he never said anything

I knew one guy who grew up without a mother. Never had the chance to grow up with one in fact because she died during his child birth. Let's just call him Pat for the sake of allowing me to maintain the anonymity of this person. Another thing about Pat that I remember vividly is the fact that he grew up hating his father. I never really knew why he hated his father so badly but I knew there had to be a reason behind it.

Pat finally opened up to me a few years back over a casual drink one night. He sat down at the bar staring blankly at his glass of whiskey and said, "having known me for over 5 years, you are probably wondering why I hate my old man so much right?"

"Hey Pat, if you don't want to talk about it, you can drop it. No biggie man."

"It's alright, I am cool with you. My old man has never spoken a word about my mother to me. Never. Not even when I reached 21 early this year. Every time I asked him about mom, he'd change the subject. For christ sakes, she died giving birth to me and he wasn't even there to bid her farewell when she died bringing me into this world for him. He was hardly around. I mean I pretty much grew up with my uncle and I sometimes wonder why bother having me at all? With him, work had to get in the way every damned time. I don't think he cared about my mom or me to begin with!"

I could only look at Pat and offered an ear to listen to him. I have never experienced such sadness and I couldn't possibly understood how he felt all these years growing up without a mother and never really having a chance to know his father.

That night, I left the conversation regarding his father as that. I didn't think it was right making him feel worse by talking about it further.

But I never really stopped thinking about why his father kept silent about it all these years. I kept telling myself if I were a father, I think I would have probably told him about his mother. He has every right to know about his mother. At the end of the day, Pat's father probably had his reasons for holding back from telling him. It wasn't my right to question his choice for non-disclosure.

As time flies, we all grow older and like everything else age comes with a price. Pat's father had cancer of the stomach, apparently from all the stress at work trying to keep the business afloat during the economic slow down. 6 months before he finally kicked the bucket Pat never once paid him a visit. Pat knew about it but decided he wasn't going to care.

I visited his dad about once every fortnight just to see how he was doing and to keep Pat updated on his father's condition. His dad got weaker and weaker by the day while Pat continued to turn a blind eye on his father's dire condition.

On the day his father passed away, I was beside his father. About 2 hours before he finally succumbed to the cancer that spread through his body, he spoke to me. Just the two of us, as he struggled to catch his breath he said, "Thanks for keeping me company these past few months while I lay down here counting the days before I leave this world. I wanted to speak to Pat but I guess he probably won't see me after all. Not that I blame him though. So, please do me this last favour before I die. Hear me out, and if you feel you should let Pat know, please tell Pat why I kept silent all this while."

At that point, looking at the old guy lying down struggling to talk to me, I was close to tears. I knew I had to say yes to him and I nodded to give him the go ahead.

He took a deep breathe and began talking, "25 years ago when Pat was born, his mother never died during his birth. His mother left me and Pat a week after Pat was born. During the time of Pat's birth, I was with him all the time never leaving both his mother and him. I saw through his birth and at that point just holding him, just slightly bigger than my palm I knew I had become a father and I knew Pat was my everything."

He coughed, took another deep breath and continued, "As to why his mother left, I really don't know the reason. I came home from work a week after Pat's birth, all her things were gone from the house leaving Pat alone in the baby cradle. From the bottom of my heart, I'll never forgive what she has done to Pat. I tried to take care of Pat up until he was 2 years old and that's when I realised I wasn't a single parent material. I simply knew nuts about taking care of a child and I decided to let my married brother take care of Pat while I made sure I could bring food back for Pat everyday and to make sure I saw through Pat's education. I made my brother and my sister-in-law promise never to tell Pat the truth."

At that point, tears were running down my cheeks as I listened to him.

"I chose the vow of silence than to tell my own son of a mother who left him to fend for himself just one week after she in all pains gave birth to him. He's my son and the sin of choosing a wrong mother for him was my sin to bear and mine only. He didn't have to suffer for it because of an irresponsible mother. It's true that I wasn't really there for him but in all honesty, I made sure I saw him through till the day he graduated. On the day he graduated, 21 September 2000, I stood outside the hall as I saw my son proudly walk up the stage to collect his degree. That in itself was the proof of my life that Pat was my everything! I told myself, I didn't let my son down and I knew Pat was no ordinary kid, he made it that far without me having to guide him through."

"You may think Pat has every right to know about the truth about his mother but it wouldn't make him any happier. Would it better for him to know that he had a mother who gave up her life so he could come to this world or a mother who gave birth to him only to give him up? If you were a father, I am sure you would know why I chose the earlier option."

"I don't know if you will decide to tell Pat about it but tell him that I have always loved him and I will always be proud of him..............."

He finally breathed his last breath and left this world forever. While clasping his hand, I cried, I simply cried finally knowing that it was because he loved Pat so much that he'd rather hurt himself than to hurt Pat. All these years, he never said anything.................

I never told Pat the truth about his mother. Till this day, I will never know if his father told me about it because he wanted me to tell Pat or he just wanted to let it all out before he had to walk into the white light............... Would you have told Pat if you were me?

my new year's eve~

It was a simple lunch with a mate of mine down at The Gardens, Midvalley on new year's eve. It was a great catching up session - talking, laughing, simply catching up on lost time. I even got myself The Castle Omnibus trilogy series written by Steph Swainston that was recently published.

I was all happy, ready go home, really excited to get a taste of the new book I just purchased. At the same time, I was dying to take a leak having had such a long lunch and a Starbucks session with my mate, Max. So I ran along to the nearest toilet, did what I had to do and came out set to head straight to the parking lot.

As I walked out, this guys walks up to me in a panicky state and jittery state, and starts saying, "You have to help me! I... I... lost my daughter, you have to help me find her, please."

He places his hand slightly above his knee, "She about this tall, with a blue jacket over a white dress."

I could see his hands were trembling from the panic.

I knew I had to help this man, "Calm down, let's get to the information centre counter at the lobby and we'll get security to help us locate your daughter."

"It's my first time here, so I really don't know my way around here," said the man.

So we hurriedly down to the reception counter, got hold of the authorities to assist us in locating his daughter. We left our numbers with the counter in case they found her before we did, then we back tracked to where he last remembered he was with his daughter.

Went to every shop he remembered he visited and asked the people around if anyone saw his little girl. After about 30 minutes of reconnaissance and scouting work for this lost little girl, we finally got a call from the reception guys that someone found his little girl and brought her to the reception. We still couldn't be certain if this little girl was his daughter but we had to find out.

So we ran all the way back to the reception counter. When he saw the little girl, I knew straight away that he had gotten his daughter back. When I saw him looking down at his girl, tears in his eyes, I could tell he was upset with her but the look in his face was, "Don't ever do that to daddy ever again, it'd break my heart to lose you!"

I think for a moment there, I knew how it felt to be a dad. A child to a father is probably like his everything. I really felt relieved and happy for the guy. After all, we spent a good half an hour trying to find her. There has been many cases of missing children and kidnap cases these days, and he had every reason to be worried. At the end of the day, he shook my hand and thanked me.

That was how I ended 2009, helping a dad locate his daughter in a shopping complex. We should be thankful to the young lady who brought the child to the information centre, otherwise we would have been running all over the places searching for her. I sure feels good to have done some good for someone!

every minute~

Time passes by very quickly, like the sands of time flowing downwards in an hour glass. The sight of the sand trickling down the hour glass never seizes to capture my attention and my fascination of how sand in a glass can epitomize time.

Time is a simple yet complex. It tells more than what time it is now, it tells age, it can tell duration, it can tell even size, it can indicate growth. Time is not an element that one can control like water or fire. Time is uncontrollable and that's why we are forced to work within the limits of time granted to us so graciously by God. Even we are forced to bow down and work within the limits of time when it comes to work deadlines.

Within our limited knowledge of time, we measure it by way of seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades, centuries, eons, and so on and so forth. Till this very moment I type this post, passed time slips into the pages of history. I can hear the clock ticking behind me.

You'd probably realise that when you are doing something really enjoyable or simply enjoying the company of someone, time really flies. Just like the blowing wind while walking in a park during a warm evening. Like the wind, you wish it could last forever. Like the wind, it makes you want to reach out to it and just hold it close to your bosom. And time, like the wind, you can't make it your's to own.

I've come to appreciate time and my experiences a lot more over the past few weeks.

A simple dinner and movie outing, even a coffee table top conversation were somethings that I really took to heart as a heart warming, honest to heart, wish-I-could-pause-time moments. Every minute spent during those times were happy memories in the making and I hold them safe and dear to my heart.

I never really took a moment to appreciate such things before, to smell the coffee. Just trudging on the path of time doing mere "activities". Now, I close my eyes, just rewind back to those happy moments in my mind and I can safely tell myself, "I'd do it many times over if I can".

I look at friends who have wonderful kids, time spent with the kids are such moments that don't happen everyday. Your son or daughter can only be a year old once in their lives, miss that first year and you miss it forever. The joy of completing my first cello concerto was one of the most satisfying moments in my life that can only happen once. Even getting a date with someone I have fallen head over heels for, is one of those "YES!!!" moments in my life, worth treasuring.

Every minute is worth treasuring when you get a go at a precious moment in your life. It could be a wide variety of moments but when you have an opportunity to have those moments, appreciate it, treasure it and keep it close to your heart because the minutes that go by never comes back....................