dearest to me

My intention was to be open about things and just be honest with myself and with her. But sometimes, even openness has its limitations as I found it out the hard way round. That's when I realised, at some point a thin thread could be the only determining factor between being open and over doing things. At the same time, I need to know when being sensitive isn't being sensitive enough to understand one close to you could be feeling a pinch inside.

It's a delicate process I have to admit. It's not something I can learn over night or understand in a flash. After all, I used to ask myself how tough can it be? Now, I am beginning to understand it isn't as simple as just "understanding" someone.

Last night I made the mistake of not taking notice something might have been out of place and I blindly made thing worse by accidentally adding salt to the wound when I said things I shouldn't have said. Although, I really had no intention to hurt anyone in the process. But like everything else in life, the learning process has to somehow involve hurting yourself or hurting someone close to you.

I talked about my past absentmindedly without noticing that it caused some discomfort. It was silly of me not to notice the discomfort whilst I kept on blabbering about it.

Right now, I think I learned a very important lesson and at the same time I really know who's dearest to me and means a big part of my heart.............. and I don't want to lose that dear one... not to anything, not to anyone and especially to myself...

the bond

Yesterday I spent 11 hours at the workshop working on my car's heart. A damage to the engine caused by my own recklessness. Simply put it, I blew an engine gasket and the engine started getting filled with water.

Its a 22 two year old Daihatsu Charade and for the past 7 to 8 years, I have been running the car pretty hard and simply enjoy driving that car. The day before I blew the gasket, I was speeding at about 160km/h on the highway and I guess after so many years the 998cc heart just couldn't take the punishing anymore no matter how well I took care of it. On the way back, the temperature rose tremendously, I felt a lost in compression and with the engine vibrating in a very unusual rhythm, I knew in my heart I blew it!

My car still got him back home albeit it virtually limped home. By the time I got home, I immediately turned off the engine, opened the bonnet and started troubleshooting. It didn't take me long to find out water got into the engine, seeing that I could see a milky substance along the engine (engine oil mixed with water turns into milked tea colour).

Then to see the extent of the damage, I removed a spark plug and cranked the car. Here's when I knew my engine was flooded with water - the moment I cranked the car, the engine literally spat a big splash of water from the spark plug port. The next step was clear - I had to get it fixed. Thankfully, the workshop is just 5 minutes away from where I live and it limped it there first thing in the next morning.

That's when the 11 hour process started for me, my car and the mechanic. In the interest of time and because he had to work on other customers, I decided to start dismantling the engine first so he could get started on it the moment I completed dismantling it. The amount of nuts and bolts that required to be removed was amazing! I nearly lost track of which screw, nuts and bolts came from which lock point. So much so that I had to place markers on each screw, nut and bolt to make sure I could put it back accordingly.

The whole process was more or less like this:

1. Jacked the car up, placed two supports below the car, then jack the engine before removing the engine mounting.

2. Remove engine mounting, let the engine rest on the jack.

3. Unbolt the exhaust manifold.

4. Unbolt timing belt housing and water pump.

5. Remove timing belt and timing belt tensioner.

6. Then remove the entire top half of the engine from the engine compartment.

Doesn't end there, once the top half is out, I had to:

1. Remove the carburetor manifold.

2. Remove the fuel pump.

3. Remove the valves and all the related parts.

4. Remove the camshaft.

That's just the dismantling bit. The tough bit starts from hereon. The engine block has to be cleaned up, sand down. Then grind the valves, replace the tepets, etc........

If I was going to elaborate on the whole process, this blog entry will probably never end and you probably get the idea why it took 11 hours. But throughout the whole process, I had the regretful feeling in my gut knowing that I caused my car to suffer the engine damage. At the same time, I was glad my car managed to limped home and didn't leave me stranded by the road somewhere in town. It kept running in my mind that if I hadn't pushed the engine so hard, I wouldn't have blown the gasket.

Through the 11 hours, I kept telling myself I was going to revive my car no matter what it took. Considering my car has served my family for 22 years, I can't just give up on it if it never gave up on me. My mechanic and I work right through 8.30pm and when we finally cranked the engine, we knew my car has been revived. After 11 hours of grueling engine work, I could finally breathe a breath of relief...........

Having driven my car for so many years, I guess really have to admit I love driving it very much. Just like how bonds are formed between two people, I guess even bonds can formed between humans and machine. No matter how you put it, I really love driving my car..... that's the sort of bond I have with my car.

even helping has its limits~

When it comes to friendship and the people close to us, our initial reaction when you see them in trouble is to lend a hand to help. I don't think any of us would give it a second thought if we are capable and have the means to help. Unless you haven't a heart or have a heart of ice, you'd probably say no without even thinking.

Helping someone in need may be a good thing but there are times when standing back and observing may be the best assistance one can lend. It's not about sitting back and letting things go wrong but there are times when we need to let other's figure things out themselves. Somewhat like letting nature takes it course.

Because humans are different between one another, there will it be unavoidable to face moments when you can't understand one another or even times when misunderstanding can happen. As much as possible, you and I will try our best to avoid such situations but it will simply happen as long as humans continue have differences.

I to got into the same trouble some time ago and after trying my best to resolve the issue, I had to come to a realisation point that I was going to help the situation improve but at the same time may end up eroding the situation altogether. I mad a conscious effort to simply step back and not try to fight the current. It was probably going to hurt myself and hurt others around me. It simply didn't make anymore sense to me.

As I stumbled through the thick of things and feel my way through the darkness, I came to appreciate and noticed the many people supporting me and giving little words of encouragement along the way. It's not something I can forget easily and at the same time, although I did not say it out, these people have my thanks indeed.

Help came in many ways and in numerous times, so much so that there were times when I simply wish they didn't help because there were times when helping out had to know its limits. Detrimental effects could have occurred instead. I too came across such a situation before.

Back when I was in school, I had a close friend who always did well in class and excelled in almost in every subject. I could only envisage him getting a scholarship and going overseas in the foreseeable future. Came the final examinations for our last year in secondary school, with the pressure piling up to do well, he got crushed by the pressure and failed to get a very needed distinction for his biology paper. The very one paper that would decide his medical scholarship. With the prospect of a full medical scholarship out the window he simply fell into a state of denial.

Being close to him, my natural reaction was try to talk to him to hopefully ease the pain. It never came across my mind to just keep leave him be to manage himself. Every time I spoke to him he just kept telling he'd be fine on his own whilst I kept thinking that him bottling it up inside was going to kill him. I tried to lend a hand by talking to him but only to have made things worse because it kept reminding him about his failed attempt. Eventually, I realised I was helping and just left him to his own devices. He did get out of it and it got another scholarship, although not a full scholarship he was hoping for but he parents worked out the finances for it.

When the storm had finally past him, he finally spoke to me and told me that even though he was depressed about his failed attempt and was disappointed about it, he didn't want to talk about it because it only served to remind him of his failure. Being alone was the best way for him because it gave him space to take a step back and to count his lucky stars. He may have missed the distinction for the biology paper but he didn't fail it. He did well for the rest of the subjects so t never really crossed out the possibility of a scholarship. He was depressed not because of missing the full scholarship but the non-distinction left a dent in his pride.

He never told me all these from the start but I came to realise that had I taken a step back to understand my friend for so many years I would have realised he didn't someone to talk to but rather someone who'd understand him and give me the space. That's when I learned even helping has its limits.

respectable

This evening was a pretty heated evening for my department head. I don't know exactly what happened because I had my earphones on listening to music while cracking my brains trying to figure out how to prepare the slides I was working on. Whatever the reason for him being angry, it must have been something pretty serious considering it was loud enough for me to hear his voice over my earphones although I couldn't hear the words.

As I saw my senior walking out from his room, I asked him if he was alright since he did look a bit shaken from the shelling. No point in me asking him what happened since it would probably make him feel worse. There are times when not getting in details does more good than harm - this was one of the moments.

I told him to let me know if he needed any help and went back to my work. About 20 minutes later my department head walks out of his room and walks up to my senior and says the most amazing thing I will probably ever hear in my lifetime, "Sorry about just now, I may have been a bit harsh on you just now. It was that spur of the moment when I got upset". I think my senior was so surprised he himself had no clue of how to reply.

Never have I heard of anyone telling me of a boss who has done such a thing. Most bosses are too stuck about being on top that they refuse to show such humility and humbleness. It left sitting in my chair in disbelief and awe. What he did then was a demonstration of professionalism and humility of the highest level. It was an act that was truly respectable without a doubt.

my first tow truck ride

It was like every other Saturday morning for me yesterday. Woke up early to get breakfast, get ready for my weekly rock climbing sessions. I felt pretty good yesterday since I managed to sleep the night before so I was feeling very energized and upbeat about my climb session. I might have spoke too soon though because my car decided to pull a fast one on me.

I found it surprising because I always went on preventive maintenance for my car so I really wasn't expecting any breakdowns especially I didn't hear any sound symptoms, neither did I saw any signs of an impending breakdown. After all, it is only logical that mechanical parts would give out some form of symptoms to let you know it's about to go.

I was actually driving myself to rock climbing, feeling all geared up and gung-ho about it. As I approached an uphill climb and right bend, I realised I was losing compression and the car was starting not respond to my pedal work on the accelerator. To make matters worse because I was driving pretty quickly on the fast lane with a car following me quite closely, the danger of being rear ended was really flagging itself when I suddenly lost compression.

As I limped the car to the slow lane carefully trying not confuse traffic coming from behind me, I barely managed to get the car to the side of the main road and then my car just shuddered thereafter the engine just went quiet. I could only think one immediate possibility at that point in time, I thought the car overheated especially the weather was so hot yesterday. No point in panicking since the car wasn't going anywhere it is current state and I knew I had to keep calm if I was going to get the car back on its feet.

Checked the radiator water, was alright; checked the ground for any engine oil leakages, no leaks; check all related cables, all good; checked vacuum hoses, all good. Couldn't figure out what could have gone wrong. I was standing in front of the open bonnet scratching my head, wondering what on earth just happened. I made weekly routine checks on my car so I knew what was about to give way and would make the necessary replacements of parts. I was really, really perplexed.

Nothing much I could do by staring at an open bonnet under the rain, so I called my dad so I could get a ride and at the same time gave a call to a tow truck buddy to get haul my car back to my mate's workshop for further inspection. By the time my dad arrived, he shot me questions on my troubleshooting steps and concurred I covered everything but one - "any fuel going to the carb?". That's when I went, "sh*t! I missed that one out!". Sure enough, there was no petrol getting from the fuel pump to the carburetor and hence, the inability to get the car started despite the engine cranking.

With the problem identified, all it took was to get the spare part and for the tow truck to get me and the car back to the workshop.

The tow truck eventually arrived, and it took surprisingly quick to get the car on the tow. Thereafter, I had my very first two truck ride. It was pretty interesting to say the very least. There was no air conditioning, not even seatbelt. On the entire way back, I heard the wind blowing in my ears from the open windows, the roaring tow truck engine and the rough sounds coming out from the walkie talkie of the driver. Not to mention, you can even smell the typical grease smell you'd get in workshops! The entire ride probably took 20 minutes or so, with me sitting in the truck taking occasional glimpse at my car paralysed on the back of a tow truck. It was painful for me to see my car in that state leaving the back of mind putting some blame on myself for not noticing the fuel pump was about to give way.

By the time I reached the workshop, I was awed by how the tow truck driver skillfully maneuvered the truck in reverse to get my car in a good position in the workshop. I was amazed and how flawless he did it! Seriously!

Once the car was down, I worked very quickly with my mechanic to replace the fuel pump and in under the 30 minutes the car was good to go........ tiring and frustrating as it was, I learned a bit more about troubleshooting car problems and I got a pretty good experience in a tow truck!

taking a break

I am currently taking a few weeks off to regain my thoughts....... simply too busy with work.....................................

be the best!

I was definitely taken aback. It was a reaction I never saw for such a long time, the entire time I have played squash. Sachin was the fattest amongst all of us in the training team but he still wanted to play squash very badly. I can't blame considering both his elder brothers are very good squash players playing for the state. I was only natural a kid like him at the age of 11 would look up to two elder brothers who were up there in the high rankings.

He wanted to be like them, be strong, be fast in the court, to hit hard, to hit accurately, and most importantly to be a winner in the arena of squash! Just like his brothers!

If I recalled rightly, it was about 5 weeks before the PJ Open squash tournament in the last year I was planning to play competitively, we had a grueling training session to prep our minds and bodies for the tough tournament ahead. It was one of the biggest local tournaments with players from other countries joining in. We had been training for 6 days in a week, court drills followed by court runs, then match play to get us in the right state of mind.

It was one of the training session when we were all literally pushed to the limit to up our fitness levels dramatically, I literally went flat like a punctured tyre, while Sachin literally rushed out of the squash court and found himself emptying his stomach by the drain outside the courts from severe dehydration and from pushing himself physically too hard.

I think he was bent over by the drain for a good 10 minutes just puking himself "happy" before he came back in looking pale. To my surprise, Sachin continued with the court runs while one by one, each of us just gave in to the fatigue and exhaustion. None of us completed the 100 court runs with the exception of Sachin.

It was a forced time out for all of us. Picking myself up from the ground was literally a pain in the arse! Looking at our miserable faces, the coach called it a day but not without some pep talk. Judging by the look on his face I figured he wasn't too satisfied with our progress considering the tournament date drew closer and we were not as polished as he hoped for.

"Look here guys! The tournament is in 5 weeks and you guys need to work a lot harder if you guys want to do well. The guys from India and Pakistan have it much tougher and they sure as hell don't plan on flying all the way here to lose to you guys! 100 court runs and you guys are as good as soft beans. You guys are going to have to give in more to beat the foreigners."

We all looked down with embarrassment.

"Sachin, our fattest player completed the 100 runs although he had to unload some weight unwillingly but we came back in to make sure he finished it. You all could learn a thing or two from him. I am not asking amazing fitness or massive power plays, what I want from you guys is determination. When it comes to the high level squash play, the difference isn't always about skill or fitness because at your level, the skill set and fitness are quite similar. It's the determination between opponents that sets the winner aside."

We all still looked down reflecting on ourselves.

"Sachin, tell me what is it that'd make you work so damn hard while the rest of these guys here are falling down one by one?"

"My brothers always told me one thing, 'be the best!'"

I couldn't believe my ears and my eyes. All of us were beaten by the fattest guy simply because he wanted to do better more badly than any of us. It was good lesson for me, winning sometimes isn't about who'e better or who's fitter, but about who wants it more badly.......... Like Sachin put it, "TO BE THE BEST!".