you don't mean it at all~

It was a Friday night, I was tired and worked up after having pushed to the limit at work. Deadlines coming in like the Niagara falls, irritating clients that think their account is the one-and-only account in your portfolio, bosses chasing you for deliverables and some bosses who want things yesterday. You can imagine how cheesed off I would probably have been on that Friday night after one whole week of all that! Not to mention, knowing I had to come in the weekend to continue only made my Friday all the "brighter" for me.

Anyway, I decided to go for a drink. Try to knock out my senses in the bid to forget all work related matters and put the stress as the last thing on the list in my head. That's when things go from bad to worse, to completely out of proportion.

Typically I take 6 to 8 mugs of beer before I head home every Friday night. Simply to really enjoy my alone time and really enjoying the beer I am paying for with my hard earned cash (alright... some of you may disagree drastically on my way of appreciating my hard earned cash on alchohol). But anyway, on that particular night I was awfully tired and I was mentally strong enough to contain the stress from the work since I had been doing the graveyard shift for over 3 weeks in a row leaving the office about 3am everyday.

So much so that by after the 5th beer, I was literally falling asleep at the bar.

I decided to head home. As I got into the car, my hand phone rang and the caller ID displayed on the screen surprised me because it wasn't someone I'd expect to call me at all. For anonymity's sake I am just going to call her Beans.

I answered the call.

"Hey! How are you doing? I know it's your peak period this time around... Hanging in there?"

"Yea, why do you care?!"

"You alright there? You don't sound fine."

"I'll be fine...... I am just recovering from the shock from you calling me up."

"What's the supposed to mean?"

"Like I said, you calling me up is as good as an enigma..."

"If you don't want to talk just tell me, you don't have to be mean."

"Good night and good riddance!"

Before Beans could even reply, I hit the red button on my phone to hang up and headed home.

It wasn't until the next morning when I woke up that I realised what I just did to Beans. As much as I was being mean and literally being an idiot for the way I reacted, Beans didn't deserve getting what she got from me.

With all honesty, I was stressed, tired, worked up and I merely wanted to be alone. Somehow, I just lashed out at Beans like a can of Coke after being shaken really hard. When all I could have said was, "hey I am kinda tired so I am going have to call you back", or something along those lines instead of what I said.

The point I am trying to get at is this - there are times when you and I are faced with awful situations you'd wish you could get out from; and there could be times when you will do or say things you don't mean but simply at the spur of the moment you can pop just like that when everything is bottled up for too long.

Like what I did, telling Beans I didn't mean it all as much as it was true will never suffice to heal the wound because it's as good as slapping someone in the face and telling them you are sorry immediately.

When times are tough, you feel like you are going explode from the inside.... take a step back for 5 seconds and think about the repercussions that could occur because of your actions. You never know that one day because you forgot to take that 5 seconds, you could end up hearting your friends and most importantly, the people you love......

doing what he can

It was like every other day for Murugan. He gets up by 4.30 in the morning, has one slice of plain bread for breakfast along with a glass of warm water and he heads off to work. Works starts at 7.30 for him but he needs to leave home by 5.30 to catch the earliest bus to his workplace. It's a good 45 minutes bus ride for him because he rents a room at the outskirts of the city. Not that he wants a place so far but it's the best he can afford at a nice MYR30 a month with bathroom sharing.

He reaches work about 6.45, gets to his locker, puts on his uniform and his signature Nike cap of which he bought with one year's saving. It was something he rewarded himself with after all the hard work he had put into his work. On top of that, he needed a cap to keep the sun from frying him whilst working.

It was a pretty tiring job, having to wake up so early in the morning and work about 10 hours a day. It was never easy for him, hauling bags over his shoulder and piling them up into a specialised machine for such bags. The smile was often unbearable but it was all part of his job. Even rain couldn't get in the way of his job. If Murugan and his team did not work for one day, they'd get a whole lot of complains from the locals for being irresponsible. Rain or shine, work had to resume for Murugan. Not very nice eh?

He finishes work about 6pm everyday after doing his usual round around the community. At the end of his shift his skin burns from all the sun, his body aches all over from all the hauling, feet hurt from the walking, body smells horrible from the sweat plus other odour accumulated from his work. That is Murugan's daily working life. Despite all the hard work he puts in his day work, he barely makes enough for food minus the rent.

You might have already guess what Murugan does, but if you haven't, he's a garbage collector. He wakes up early every morning, hauls arse to work, collects garbage dished out by people like you and me, gets paid barely enough but continues doing what he can.

Murugan's family was far from being well to do, living in the slumps of the city. Having only education up till he was 15 years of age, he really couldn't do anything else and he was accepted for the job due to a government job allocation programme launched to reduce unemployment. He jumped on the opportunity to have some income after his drunkard father left the family leaving his mother alone, who passed on after contracting tuberculosis of which until now Murugan cannot forgive himself for not having been able to do anything to heal her. He simply couldn't afford it.

Outsider like ourselves who see people like Murugan hauling our garbage probably assume these guys are delinquents but most of us don't know these guys are doing what then can to make ends meet. Just like us, sometimes we can only do what we can, and there are times after we have done what we can, people still think we haven't done enough or we are simply unappreciated.

The point to take home is to really do what we can and at the end of day be able to look into the mirror knowing we have done what we done with sincerity and honesty. Someday, you'll be appreciate twice or trice as more.......... those who don't will one day realise they'd made a mistake.......

It wasn't a tough decision to make

Another person decided to leave the firm I work in. After 18 years with the firm, he finally threw in the towel. It was surprising to say the least because he didn't seem the type that would leave especially having spent a good half of his life in the firm.

He was nice guy I first met about 3 years back when I first joined the firm. He was a funny guy and always cheerful every time I met him and there's was plenty of jokes when we had small talk in the lift, passing by in the loo or by the water cooler.

His resignation did come as surprise even for the top brass. Corridor talk has it that he was never really a performer in the firm, wasn't someone you'd know for being very good at what he does.

I guess after 18 years, some people need a change. At least that's what I thought. Not until I had a short conversation with him. I thought he had a better job offer somewhere out there. It was quite the opposite actually.

"I heard you decided to leave. When's your last day?"

"Yea. Last day was supposed to be 16th this month but the partner asked me to hang on out until 30th to help out with the July peak period."

"Must have been a really good deal for you to decide to leave the firm."

"Not at all bro. In fact, I am getting much less than what I am getting here. Virtually half my salary here!"

"No kidding! Then why leave?"

"You see, I have a son who requires special needs. He's autistic and it doesn't help being a single parent. Working here doesn't help in trying to spend time with him. My mother has to help watch over him while I work everyday. The long hours here simply doesn't help me in making sure he grows up well. Almost everyday my mother calls me up to tell me the young guy is crying and looking for me. He cries almost everyday missing me. He needs me. The new job gives me more time to spend with my kid. Getting a lower a salary is a foregone conclusion."

"Sorry to hear about your kid and having to be a single parent. Must have been tough on you."

"All part of life. It's not easy but he's still my child."

"Did you have think long before deciding to resign? You are foregoing quite a good sum with this move."

"It wasn't a tough decision to make. In fact, to me the decision I had to make was very clear. That kid means more to me than anything else put together. He needs me and I haven't been there for him most of the time."

I shook his hand wishing him all the best in advance in case I didn't meet him before he left. The conversation really left an impression in my mind. Whilst most of us go through the grind of trying to earn big bucks, there are those out there who are simply much more enlightened than us who think too much of financial rewards. Being there for his son clearly made it more rewarding for him.

When it comes to family bonds, even a big fat cheque can seem insignificantly minute to those who understand how it feels to be able to love another.

the birthday cake

The alarm clock rang when the digital clock hit 6am in the morning. It was a cold, chilly, Saturday morning with a bit of rain when she looked out the window of her apartment. Gets out of bed, brushes her teeth, do a couple stretches and she heads down to the kitchen.

Standing at the entrance of the house kitchen, Meg rolls up her sleeve, takes a deep breath and start rummaging the kitchen for all the ingredients she bought a couple of days ago to bake a cheese cake. Meg had been reading up on baking books for the past few weeks for this day. The day she would bake a cake for the guy she secretly had feelings for.

Meg was anxious but all excited about it. She wanted to do something different for him this year compared to the typical birthday gifts. She wanted to make this year's birthday gift a memorable one for Ryan.

It took Meg a good 5 hours to bake the cake. She really put her heart and soul into it. From her heart, her feelings for Ryan flowed into her soft, tender hands and flowed into the cake she baked. It was no ordinary cake though, it was in the shape of Sponge Bob Square Pants! Meg had something for Sponge Bob Square Pants.......... she always felt he was cute and so bubbly.

At the birthday party Meg, presented the cake to Ryan. There was a moment of silences from everyone when they saw the cake. They were attracted to the cake, the fine touches of the cake, the nice curves. No one expected a home baked cake to have been so professionally done.

Ryan was impressed and that was all that mattered to Meg. In the crowd, she could only see Ryan and everyone else were like grey matter to her. Despite impressing Ryan, there was undeniable fact Meg couldn't turn a blind eye to - the fact that Ryan is taken. To make matters worse, Ryan's girlfriend is Meg's house mate and class mate. The truth can be ugly at times I guess.........

Sometimes she wished that she never fell in love with Ryan. It's simply painful knowing that she loves someone she probably can never be with. Every time Meg saw Ryan with her house mate, she felt happy for Ryan yet painful.

As a bystander, there are times when I feel she should let Ryan go. It sometimes seems so painful for her going on with this. But at the same time, I'd want to encourage her to push on as someday I hope Ryan will see how much Meg loves him. Love knows no boundaries and this is a first hand experience for me seeing love being professed through the hands of Meg in the cake she baked............. The birthday cake was no ordinary cake, it was a cake celebrating love, a cake that contained patience, a cake that was made with love, a cake professing sincerity...........

Ted's last journal entry

It was a gloomy day, dark clouds forming in the skies, she didn't know how to react to the sms she just read. Reesa's mind went wild with thought trying to reason out why he would send such an sms to her. It has never happened before. She tried calling him, but there was no answer. She went to bed that night thinking it was a bad dream and it will all go away when she wakes up the next day.

Morning came, the sms remained the same, there was still no answer when she tried calling him. She didn't know what else to do.

The sms read, "Don't call me, don't text me, I don't wish to see you anymore."

Everytime she thought about that sms, her eyes would start tearing.

A week passed, two weeks passed, on the third week Reesa's mobile phone rang with an unknown number showing on the caller ID. She answered the call only to be surprised to hear his voice.

"Ted, Ted, please tell me it's you!"

"Yes, it's me," he spoke coldly.

"Please tell me you didn't send me the sms you sent? Please tell me it's a joke? Please, Ted?"

There was a pause. "Reesa, it's not a joke. I am sorry but it's true. I meant everything I said in that sms."

"Why Ted?!? Why??!?"

"Reesa..... I.... I... I recently met Lisa. She's really nice and she's always around when I needed her. You were hardly around whenever I needed you. Sometimes I wondered if you even cared about me."

Reesa held the phone, tears rolling down her cheeks as she kept repeating softly, "No.... no.... no....."

"I think you cared about your work more than me or anything else. I guess it's best we go our separate ways."

That was the last time Reesa ever heard Ted's voice again.

Six months later, Reesa caught Ted's obituary in the local newspaper. She was shocked and decided to attend Ted's funeral. After Ted's burial, Ted's sister walked up to Reesa to catch up. Whilst talking to Reesa, Ted's sister gave Ted's journal to Reesa saying that Ted would have liked her to have it.

After work one night, Reesa flipped open Ted's journal. As she read the journal, she never knew Ted diligently wrote in his journal. The journal was like every other typical journal and Reesa immediately recognised Ted's writing style.

Ted penned down his entire experience with Reesa from the first date, first kiss, the first time he held her hand right till the day they parted ways - the whole 4 years they were together. Reesa continued reading the night away and as she reached the end of Ted's journal she was all tears.

It read:

10th January - I always thought the pain in my stomach was just gastric from my poor eating habits with all the late night dinners and lunch skipping. Who'd would have thought it was cancer. As the pain grew over the last few months I didn't think it was the growing severity of the cancer. At stage 3 now, death has come knocking on my door.

I only have about 6 months left in this world. Guess God decided he didn't want me sticking around too long.

28 years of my life in this world, the best thing that ever happened to me was Reesa. The past 4 years has been nothing but cloud nine for me. The touch of her hand lets me know she'll catch me whenever I fall, her radiant skins mirrors the clear waters of the ocean and her smile, simply melts my heart. If it's one thing I don't want to leave behind, it'd be her.

I just dropped her an sms to tell her never contact me......... it pains my heart but she's still young and I don't think she deserves a dying man. She deserves better.

17 January - after a week, I can't deny that I miss her and I'd really want to be with her right now. I spoke to her briefly on the phone and I guess the only way she was going to leave me was if she hated me. I made up some girl called, Lisa. I don't even know how I came up with that name.

I am sorry I have to lie to you and hide from you about my condition Reesa. You are a wonderful girl anyone could wish for. The best I can have. The last thing I can do for you is to make it the least painful for you to know about my death, if you ever find out. I never meant anything I said to you over the phone today.

All this while you have always been working hard working towards our dream wedding and our first house. Work was never easy for you with all the late nights and tight deadlines. Sleeping was never possible for me every time I knew you have to put up an all-nighter. I am so sorry that I have been struggling with my job and yet you have always supported me, giving me words of encouragement and simply reassuring me by touching my hand. I was meant to take care of you but it turned the other way round. I am truly sorry Reesa.

Despite having to cope with your tight working schedule you always made time for us. Every second spent with you were unforgettable moments. So much so that I write it all in here so I can remind myself constantly how lucky I am to be loved by you. Dropping a sms to say "I LOVE YOU" every night was the least I could do to let you know how precious you are to me.

As you hung up today, I see tear drops on this very page I am writing on. My heart wrenched with pain, sadness rose from within the depths of my heart, I could only cry knowing that I had to hurt you to prevent myself from hurting you further if you knew my impending fate.

I wanted to tell you how much I loved you, I wanted to tell you how much I wanted to see you, I wanted to tell you how much I missed you.............. and I am sorry Reesa for what I had to put you through since last week. I am sorry and I love you.......

This will probably be the last entry. I will be checking into the hospital tomorrow and will probably will live my remaining days there. I can barely hold this pen to write this page. My life is slowly slipping away....... good bye Reesa, my love and my best friend........... take good care of yourself.

Reesa closed the journal shut and held the journal close to her bosom as she cried and whispered,"I love you too, Ted."

some things don't change ~

I am sitting down in a tight corner in Starbucks, typing this blog post and as I turn to look at my watch, I see the needle in my watch tick the seconds passing by. It dawned to me that things change over time. Nothing really stays the same as time goes by. I look at my laptop, I notice the faded keyboards, I look at my reflection in the laptop screen I see four days worth of moustache and a goatie, some of my schoolmates now married, I see friend's kids now all big and tall only when a few years ago I saw them as toddlers.

It's somewhat amazing to see the effects of the passage of time; reminding me of a phrase I hear quite often from someone close to me, "the only thing constant in our lifetime is change". I used to beg to differ with her view but I have come to accept what she said as being true. Change is constantly happening in our lives. Nothing really stays the same once it is stretched.

Despite the change constantly taking place in our lives and the lives of those around us, there are some things that don't change. It might not be something you'll think of off-hand simply because it 's not something really significant.

I was jogging in the park one Saturday morning and there was an elderly couple holding hands while taking their morning walk. Considering I was jogging and they were walking, I think I must have passed them about 5 to 6 times trying to rake up the mileage.

As I was warming down after completing my rounds, the same couple decided to take a seat on the bench nearby to cool off before leaving. Not that I wanted to eavesdrop but I heard a very interesting conversation between the two of them.

"It's been a while since we last took a stroll you and I?"

"It's been refreshing ever since we started taking a morning stroll. Get some fresh air at the same time. Spend some time together as well."

"We never really had so much time like this years back when we worked so hard trying to get the kids education overseas. Those little rascals sure cost us quite a bit!"

"Hahahahaha....... at least they're both out and happy doing what they are doing. Time for us to take a break."

"Time sure passes by like a flash. I remember it was the evening of the 10th of November twenty five years ago when you first held my hand and took me for a walk in the park. You and I have grown old, kids all grown up, you've lost most of your hair, I have grown more wrinkles, our Beagle Boo has gone to heaven."

"Time sure flies..... it sure does....... time goes by, things around us change but one thing sure don't change."

"What's that?"

"The way you hold my hand dear. Tight enough to know that you'll never leave my side but soft enough to let me know that you truly love me."

Don't stop believing....

Little by little she began to open to those around her. It wasn't an easy process to get her to speak up more and be more open in conversations. Min was born with autism. Autism is a disorder of neural development characterized by impaired social interaction and communication, and by restricted and repetitive behaviour. Growing up with Min wasn't an easy process for her parents. Trying to get Min out of her repetitive behaviour was a painful process.

By the time Min was three years of age, she still couldn't speak and she couldn't let go of her bolster wherever she went. There was one thing in particular Min was really good at - puzzles. She instinctively knew what piece went where and in what position. She had this innate ability to simply put the puzzle together.

Autistic or not, her parents knew for a fact that Min had a talent - a talent for solving puzzles. It may not be a massive achievement for most parents but to Min's parents, it was something to be proud of their daughter who is typically deemed a handicap by the general public.

Living with an autistic child posed many problems - facing random tantrums from Min, occasional self-injurious actions, difficult to change routines. These are some of the complications Min's parents had to go through but they went through it painstakingly in the hope to give Min a better chance at life. Even Min wouldn't grow up to be a normal kid, being close-to-normal was more than good enough for them.

They continued to believe that Min will grow stronger and they continued to provide anything possible to help Min's growth.

Three years down the road, Min had a little brother come along the way. Min is now six years of age, able to talk albeit she still struggles with learning and still amazingly good with puzzles.

With little Matt joining the family, a different side of Min proliferated. Min showed a side never before seen by her parents. She had complete instinct of an elder sibling to watch over Matt.

Min demonstrated many times when she could tell if Matt was unwell and had a very 'Min way' at tugging at her mother's sleeve to tell her that something wasn't right with Matt. Other times, she instinctively tags along little Matt who sometimes can get himself in litte trouble like the one time he nearly fell of the staircase while crawling about the top floor of their home.

It was simply conspicuous in Min that she was more than capable of caring for her little brother but it was a trait not common in a child diagnosed with autism. It was surprising to her parents but over and above that, they couldn't be more proud of Min.

Sometimes, there are things that some people are capable of but simply not shown, either simply because the opportunity never arises or it requires some form of catalyst to materialise. At the end of the day, it's like many of us out there who have capabilities hidden in ourselves that we are probably not aware of until it unleashes itself when the time is ripe..........

All it takes is probably for us to believe in ourselves, just like how Min's parents never stopped believing in Min.