he never said anything

I knew one guy who grew up without a mother. Never had the chance to grow up with one in fact because she died during his child birth. Let's just call him Pat for the sake of allowing me to maintain the anonymity of this person. Another thing about Pat that I remember vividly is the fact that he grew up hating his father. I never really knew why he hated his father so badly but I knew there had to be a reason behind it.

Pat finally opened up to me a few years back over a casual drink one night. He sat down at the bar staring blankly at his glass of whiskey and said, "having known me for over 5 years, you are probably wondering why I hate my old man so much right?"

"Hey Pat, if you don't want to talk about it, you can drop it. No biggie man."

"It's alright, I am cool with you. My old man has never spoken a word about my mother to me. Never. Not even when I reached 21 early this year. Every time I asked him about mom, he'd change the subject. For christ sakes, she died giving birth to me and he wasn't even there to bid her farewell when she died bringing me into this world for him. He was hardly around. I mean I pretty much grew up with my uncle and I sometimes wonder why bother having me at all? With him, work had to get in the way every damned time. I don't think he cared about my mom or me to begin with!"

I could only look at Pat and offered an ear to listen to him. I have never experienced such sadness and I couldn't possibly understood how he felt all these years growing up without a mother and never really having a chance to know his father.

That night, I left the conversation regarding his father as that. I didn't think it was right making him feel worse by talking about it further.

But I never really stopped thinking about why his father kept silent about it all these years. I kept telling myself if I were a father, I think I would have probably told him about his mother. He has every right to know about his mother. At the end of the day, Pat's father probably had his reasons for holding back from telling him. It wasn't my right to question his choice for non-disclosure.

As time flies, we all grow older and like everything else age comes with a price. Pat's father had cancer of the stomach, apparently from all the stress at work trying to keep the business afloat during the economic slow down. 6 months before he finally kicked the bucket Pat never once paid him a visit. Pat knew about it but decided he wasn't going to care.

I visited his dad about once every fortnight just to see how he was doing and to keep Pat updated on his father's condition. His dad got weaker and weaker by the day while Pat continued to turn a blind eye on his father's dire condition.

On the day his father passed away, I was beside his father. About 2 hours before he finally succumbed to the cancer that spread through his body, he spoke to me. Just the two of us, as he struggled to catch his breath he said, "Thanks for keeping me company these past few months while I lay down here counting the days before I leave this world. I wanted to speak to Pat but I guess he probably won't see me after all. Not that I blame him though. So, please do me this last favour before I die. Hear me out, and if you feel you should let Pat know, please tell Pat why I kept silent all this while."

At that point, looking at the old guy lying down struggling to talk to me, I was close to tears. I knew I had to say yes to him and I nodded to give him the go ahead.

He took a deep breathe and began talking, "25 years ago when Pat was born, his mother never died during his birth. His mother left me and Pat a week after Pat was born. During the time of Pat's birth, I was with him all the time never leaving both his mother and him. I saw through his birth and at that point just holding him, just slightly bigger than my palm I knew I had become a father and I knew Pat was my everything."

He coughed, took another deep breath and continued, "As to why his mother left, I really don't know the reason. I came home from work a week after Pat's birth, all her things were gone from the house leaving Pat alone in the baby cradle. From the bottom of my heart, I'll never forgive what she has done to Pat. I tried to take care of Pat up until he was 2 years old and that's when I realised I wasn't a single parent material. I simply knew nuts about taking care of a child and I decided to let my married brother take care of Pat while I made sure I could bring food back for Pat everyday and to make sure I saw through Pat's education. I made my brother and my sister-in-law promise never to tell Pat the truth."

At that point, tears were running down my cheeks as I listened to him.

"I chose the vow of silence than to tell my own son of a mother who left him to fend for himself just one week after she in all pains gave birth to him. He's my son and the sin of choosing a wrong mother for him was my sin to bear and mine only. He didn't have to suffer for it because of an irresponsible mother. It's true that I wasn't really there for him but in all honesty, I made sure I saw him through till the day he graduated. On the day he graduated, 21 September 2000, I stood outside the hall as I saw my son proudly walk up the stage to collect his degree. That in itself was the proof of my life that Pat was my everything! I told myself, I didn't let my son down and I knew Pat was no ordinary kid, he made it that far without me having to guide him through."

"You may think Pat has every right to know about the truth about his mother but it wouldn't make him any happier. Would it better for him to know that he had a mother who gave up her life so he could come to this world or a mother who gave birth to him only to give him up? If you were a father, I am sure you would know why I chose the earlier option."

"I don't know if you will decide to tell Pat about it but tell him that I have always loved him and I will always be proud of him..............."

He finally breathed his last breath and left this world forever. While clasping his hand, I cried, I simply cried finally knowing that it was because he loved Pat so much that he'd rather hurt himself than to hurt Pat. All these years, he never said anything.................

I never told Pat the truth about his mother. Till this day, I will never know if his father told me about it because he wanted me to tell Pat or he just wanted to let it all out before he had to walk into the white light............... Would you have told Pat if you were me?